sigh, it's true. he doesn't care anymore, so I'm actually going to try. see if I can do it. but I'm not making promises.

I have too many worries (like speeches!) on my mind.
fuck.

I am eating sociables and chair dancing to 'Feed the Animals', just the way I like to wind down during a bittersweet snow day, after a weird and tedious weekend of driver's training, upset stomachs and horrible Nicolas Cage movies.

bring on the noize!

my old friend arn't there for me and I'm desperately searching for replacements. I don't want replacements. I shouldn't have to find replacements.
that's just messed up, man.
everything has a weird atmosphere to it, don't know if it's the melting snow or the ending school year, or the fact that this weekend I should write a speech, an essay and a million history questions, or maybe it's just that no one's there when I definately need someone and I'm unwillingly going on through my remaining teenage years independently and lonelier than ever.

turn, turn, turn, now straighten, oh god brake, brake.
yeah, driving.
it took me ten minutes to get used to how sensitive everything is. you barely press the pedal, but you turn the wheel so much?
oh well, no one's a jesus christ superstar when they first take the wheel.
at least I gave the senior citizens something to watch in their parking lot as I drove around in circles.

now, going in reverse, lets not go there.

kevin just posted an interesting blog.
truth be told, I was once the proud owner of an active cellular mobile device, buuuut, I felt I got too attached, plus the money spent on it was half ridiculous, so I didn't bother with it any more, and just let it go inactive.
nbd.
looking through my old, locked messages though, it really does remind me of times when things were aaaaaalright.

"if you're still awake, i just want to let you know, i love you so mucho, And id do anything for you xD <3"
when I recieved this message, it warmed my heart instantly, and now it just breaks it, realizing that I problably will never get this message from this gurl again.

"hey allison, what's happening?"
"Lol theres a porn on called the Davinci Load"
"I thought of you and I was like 'I should buy a Chuck Palahniuk book"
"Make It Wit Chu came on the radio and I thought of you"
these were all said by my gf nick, and he is so commonly referred to, and these all represent inside jokes and phases through our friendship. it feels like we never really get to talk much lately, and I hate that so, so much.

"my dad cant take us"
said by eric, over Montreal plans. just as bad as a txt msg brakeup. also, there is...
"come over and lets party!"
obviously said last year, because the last time I checked, I was not asked to hang out with this individual since, well.. before winter came. now winter is gone.

"Lol"
a message I recieved after I spent two, yes two! messages typing to the limit, telling someone how many people were at a get together I was attending. I hope someone reading this blog remembers that.

oh look, found one from kevin..
"mine was going to be YOU WANT A PIECE OF ME? with Britney in a kit kat costume. teehew"
hahah, the circumstances behind this text are completely unknown to me atm, but I'm assuming it had to do with GFA. also another thing I miss, the days when the Fashion Emergency reigned supreme.

now, on to the most heartbreaking ones.
"heart heart heart"
"good morning lovely"
and the list goes on and on and on...
sigh. last year was great, and I took it for granted.

good memories always leave a huge pain in the pit of my stomach.

I dream as big as I can and that's good and everything I've been told my whole life to dream big or don't dream at all etc etc cliche quotes thrown in my direction but it's true and I do and I expect a lot out of my life but I'm starting to think that if my life doesn't go where I want it to go I will be incredibly disappointed and it will be hard to get over it's not a small thing when your dream gets shattered so I'm trying to think of plan b plan c plan d and I don't think it feels right.

inhale, exhale.

real.

I came to an awesome revelation today; the cause of my teen angst and sadness is jealousy of everyone I know with seemingly perfect lives. In actuality, every day above ground is a good one.

yay!

now, onto driver's training. my first day was today, and I don't know about you guys, but I loved it. I was kind of skeptical entering the room, seeing kids my age, but no familiar faces, but some acquaintances came through the door after me, and everything seemed okay.
mavis makes me laugh. when she was starting the lesson on road signs, she stopped for a brief moment to ask,
"okay, who saw Slumdog Millionaire? wasn't that the best movie ever?"
I also befriended a girl from my school in a grade lower (I refuse to use actual names on my blog, something about it just feels creepy). oh, and kev, you're bff was there, haha we had a good chat about you.
ugh, I also drank 3 large teas in the span of five hours, and I felt like I was having a caffiene overdose (I just don't drink that much!).

this blog is scattered like my mind right now so coherency is not an option and fluency, psscht forget it, ya'll can handle this poorly written blog while I bask in the temporary happiness of buying a new and awesome coat! yay!

I am so grown up!

I filed my taxes, and the other day I got my tax check back, I'm going to learn how to drive this weekend, and today I'm going to go verify my passport, one that I compiled all by myself!

I'm just excited over my independence, keep moving, nothing to see here.

I am happiest when I am walking downtown by myself, I am happiest when I am with a few good friends, I am happiest when I prove to myself that I can really apply, I am happiest when I come through with a difficult task, I am happiest when things are simple and undramatic.

I can't wait to donate my hair, I can't wait to graduate and move on, I can't wait to see what happens next, I can't wait to see when important things will happen, I can't wait to drive, I can't wait to get my horrible report card, I can't wait for a lot of things.

I'm really in a glass half full mood.

sometimes just talking to him makes everything okay.

r-r-r-rewind.
back it up, I want to start all over.
not in the way you all think,
why didn't I try something different!
discouraging myself because my english teachers were subpar, I suppressed myself from writing, never challenging myself, passing in half assed assignments that would guarentee me an a+++.
now, desperately I wish I had quick wit and a wide vocabulary, which is seemingly nessicary for being a somewhat, half decent writer.

something tells me to drop this whole science, make-lots-of-money-lab-coat-house-by-the-river idea, and do something that'll take hard work and finding myself.

I am just too goddamn lazy.

when you try to please everyone, you end up pleasing no one. especially not yourself.
this is the story of my life; why is there always something wrong?

Please stop doing this to me; I only have a year and a few months left until I'm gone, I'm tired of always feeling miserable over things that don't matter whatsoever.

I'm studying a lot lately.
It's not like anyone really calls me to do anything else. Sort of bored.

march break r-r-r-recap.

and thus ends the longest, most depressing week of my life.
march break always ends like this.
I spent most of the week working, slaving away making coffee for slightly richer people preparing to leave for exotic locales like Florida and the Dominican. everyday was an uncomfortable amount of busy work, and I just grew tired within the first few hours of stepping onto the floor. lacking motivation.
I didn't really hang out, I didn't party, I didn't do any much needed cleaning or studying, I didn't have all that much fun.
but really, when do I ever?
for the most part, no one really contacted me. but should I be complaining, because I didn't go out of my way to contact others? I was just mostly upset about the fact that my supposed best guy friend did not say one word to me over the break, despite him seeming genuinely excited that we would be hanging out at least once. sometimes something small ruins everything else, what a horrible characteristic to hold.

I did spent three days in moncton. which was fun-ish.
when you go to an anime convention, you can only think thoughts that are strange. I couldn't help but think, how many people are having the best time of their life? how many of these kids get bullied regularly at school? will they amount to anything, or will they surpass us all? how many are virgins? have any of these guys been to an actual high school party, and do they really care? I love that they have their own way of living. By the end, I got really jealous, of how happy they were with only their own and their friends approval, not the approval of everyone around them. Do they act this eccentric all of the time, or only at this anime convention, where they are around people with similar interests? It's crazy, seeing all those people, so dedicated to one thing. The things they'd discuss went completely over my head, and I felt completely weirded out of feeling a pang of jealousy.

Before I left for the con, I did feel the lowest of the low. I had no reason to, I just felt tired. I was tired of working, tired of fighting with the same people, tired of him not loving me.
It's crazy, how one event can be so small and doesn't really matter to one person, like saying hi to an acquaintance as she works behind the counter, can make such a huge impact in someone's day, week, month, like seeing the person you have not stopped thinking about in well over a year, someone you have not seen in three months, someone who you would give a left kidney to impress. Too bad my face was completely red, and I was shaking, completely embarassing myself. one day...

Also, in Moncton, I felt a completely different kind of jealousy, one that left me with a horrible feeling of self loathing and hatred. Yes, I have gained a pound or two, something I don't really care about, until of course I am compared to someone else. It's sort of well, horrible, when your friend can wear whatever she wants, when you go to a store, try on the largest size, and have it barely fit. It's sort of, well, hard to accept. It's hard to see your friend have the ability to pick up any guy she wants, when I have to work hard to get who I want, and barely ever do.
These jealousy issues are hard to deal with.

but, regardless, I got my permit.
once again, after complaining about issues that don't matter, I can say, life is goddamn..
okay.
:)

I wish I could come back to my blog with thousands of new events, exciting and interesting, but to be honest, that just does not happen. my life is dull.
dull life, that is a SWEET song on the new Yeah Yeah Yeahs album.

lets recap, shall we?

in my absense, I saw Slumdog Millionaire (twice), and spent a day listening to indian music because of it. I went to the pet store downtown for the umpteenth time, and fell in love with the friendly white boxer that skulks about the shop. I lost many, many hours of sleep. I added another to my list of boys kissed, much to my dismay and regret, and now I feel like I'm stuck. I got addicted to that 3oh!3 song that everyone loves, and now I feel like a dirty trend whore, but it's too infectious and will not leave my head. I went shopping, and once again felt horrible, nothing make me feel worse. I still haven't seen him, even though he IS in the city, fuck fuck fuck fuck why am I not in his life anymore?

maybe my march break isn't going exactly like planned. I did not realize until I started writing that brief recap. that's what I get for having such high expectations.

at least I have the new yeah yeah yeahs album to distract me. it's so synthy and beat driven, and I find it completely different than anything they've ever done, though songs like Dull Life still hold everything about the older yyy spirit. my god, it's just way too good.