oh lord, this year.

quick recap:
this year I worked a lot, spent lots of money, visited a new country, spent a night in times square, saw broadway plays, found out who my real friends were, hugged the person I love most, spent lots of time listening and discussing music with my best guy friend, got a 100 mark in my favorite class, cried over things that had to be cried about, had my heart shattered, had the heart shatterer call me cute and beautiful, spent three amazing days in Montreal, saw my favorite band live with my best friend, went to an anime convention with two other best friends and completely nerded out, had my friends throw me a surprise party, went on late night outtings with the one I love most, drank lots of orange slushies, went on lots of drives, saw cloverfield, bought countless dvds, went to a punk rock show, lost weight, gained weight, discovered tonnes of new bands, got drunk for the first time, gotten drunk a couple times after it with good friends, went on dates, thought a lot about my future, and had all worries about it leave my mind.

this year was not too bad.

when I am asked, 'are you a jealous person?' I always say yes. what's the point in lying?

it's true, I consider myself to be filled with jealousy, and I can be easily angered by my desire to have what someone else does. I hate it, but what can be done. even if I don't act out on it, which I rarely do, the emotion is still there and I just wish there is a cure for it, an antidote. I went shopping out of town today, and one thing I hate about going to a slightly bigger town to shop and look around, is that I'm always surrounded by people that wear better clothes, look better, are skinnier, etc. Here in my own town, seeing people like this does not bother me, and I just can't wrap my head around the fact that it always bothers me when I'm somewhere else other than here. I just can't make a hypothesis. I saw a girl with the hair cut I always wanted, stick thin with a jacket that had a huge Velvet Underground patch on the back. She pulled off a style that I never could, and it made me momentarily sad, but one thing that I like about jealousy more than other common emotions that I have, that it's so easy to get over. You can always bounce back, unless the thing you want most but don't have is constantly thrown into your face. That's a little harder to ignore, and thank god I don't have to deal with much of that lately.

I always love the feeling you get when you buy a really cool shirt though, especially one that looks great on you. the first couple times you wear it always makes you feel so wicked fine. I like feeling wicked fine. maybe I just am wicked fine.

some things are good, some things are bad.

it sort of feels like life is pumped back into me again. ever since I was blessed with the most beautiful christmas present I could ever recieve, it seems like my interest in music is there again. I saw a great movie tonight and it made me want to watch more. I hung out with friends today and I talked and laughed and smiled and wasn't down at all, I want to hang out more and more. this is scary though, only slightly. what if I have this sudden interest in having a social life, and no social life is found? it'd be heartbreaking, and it has happened before. I don't know what to do sometimes, going with the flow never works when you're overanalytical like me.

to my faithful (ha) blog readers; read my last entry, you may enjoy it slightly, if you are who I think you are.

The drive home from work was really foggy. During that drive I concluded that there are only six people that I would take a bullet for.

one person likes anime and I can talk to her for hours because she's so cool in her own way, and I like that a whole lot. one is so nice and always tells me that she loves me and the cool thing is that I actually believe her. one I can honestly say is my best friend and always makes me feel like I'm worth something even when I'm moody and feeling sorry for myself. one is the coolest guy I've ever met and even when he rules the world someday, he'll still call me and tell me all about it. one I don't hang out with often but he's got a unique sense of humor and I can talk to him about anything and everything. one gives me free liquor and that's awesome and she's always there when I need someone to talk to.

I'm a lot luckier than I previously thought. I like when I surprise myself.

I worked this morning, and I haven't worked in quite some time, for obvious reasons. but, it was strange, I felt semi glad to be back. It made me realize, if I didn't have my job, then what else would I do?
Think about it, a job changes your life, and for the better. You have money, which means freedom. No asking others for your pocket change, and that money can be spent any way you like. It's liberating, and it makes me feel grown up. I like it so much that I buy my own shampoo, sometimes my own groceries. Call me crazy, but I love the feeling. Working itself isn't so great, in fact some days it can be equivelent to drilling a hole right through to the other side of your head, but this just makes your days off so, so much sweeter. Before I had my part time job, everyday was sitting around the house day. Now, that I am an employed individual, on days off I still sit around the house, yes, but I am no longer bored, and I now feel that my laziness was hard earned.
Today went by so quickly. I served customers with a big smile, did what I was told, as quickly as efficiently as possible. When four o'clock came, I wondered 'what? why is it 4 already?' well, I can't answer that. I can't answer that at all, but I'm thankful that I wasn't tired and so down spirited as usual. Maybe I finally realized that no matter what I do in life now, there's no looking back, I will always be working hard. When I first came to terms with this months ago, it scared me. I will always either be working, or doing school work. Days off will become fewer and fewer; I didn't like this. It made me feel like I was stuck, and there was no turning back. I will never have those days of play and recess again, but now, I honestly could not care. I am now a respectable part of society, paying my dues and working hard.
It's a good feeling. Sort of.
Pouring coffee sure does beat writing essays.

Have you ever tried to go to sleep at night, but just couldn't, because you were too busy dissecting a conversation you had with someone only hours before? That was me, last night. I'd feel dreams drift towards me, but instead of chasing after them and falling deep into dark, beautiful slumber, I'd wake myself, just to think more about him. I swear, I swear to god. There are only two options. I will either a) get over him, someday in the near future. I will realize he is not as great as previously believed (which, right now seems quite impossible, but it could happen) or b) I will make him fall in love me. This will happen. I will get older, I will get skinnier and prettier, I will become more sophisticated and more knowledgeable, and he will realize this. There are no other options. There are no other options. There are no other options.

one more thing; my tooth hurts like a motherfucking cunt bitch fuck.

this day has been a breath of fresh air in what I consider to be the longest and tedious week I've been through in a long time.
I missed the feeling of being so scared of just seeing someone. I missed thinking of possible things to say in conversation, if it ever became awkward. I miss the feeling of being genuinely afraid of failing or doing something embarassing, doing something so horrible that the person you're so into just looks at you with disgust. Forgetting about these fears and actually going through with it all and risking everything, it's sort of a thrill. I just missed him like crazy. I stumbled over my words, and I forced conversation, and I just appeared awkward, but I'd like to think that it all wasn't noticed. He hugged me though. Oh my god, I just realized that now. I forgot about it, how could I? I am like a little schoolgirl. I am giggling and happy as a clam, but also not as happy as I should be, because obviously there will be no matching blog post about me.

Sometimes that just doesn't matter, though.

the past few days have been an emotional whirlwind, and to be completely honest, I'm sorta kind of glad that the whole, gift and santa part of these holidays are over, because this whole holiday that I usually love with all my heart and wait all year for, well I don't know. It just all seemed fake this year, as if people were forced to give me presents, just as I felt forced to give other people gifts as well. Not to mention, this morning I slept in, feeling it would be a better idea to catch extra z's than go downstairs and open my presents. Am I just bitter, or am I just growing up? Is there much difference between the two? Regardless, I opened my presents, and was genuinely glad that I got new pyjamas, and all the cards I got from relatives were heartwarming and much appreciated, but afterward I just wanted to go back to bed.
This christmas is a little bit different then all the others, for obvious reasons. after dinner at my grandparents (my mom's parents), we always visited my dad's mother, my grandmother who passed away on monday. We couldn't go there, who was there to see? This is a previously unthought of change in routine, and it did nothing but leave me and my father in a weird state of depression. I, on the verge of tears, with a stomach completely turkey drunk, ready for a nap. I've felt weirder emotions, but this is definately up there. In the past few days, I have cried a many a rivers, and seen every member of my family sob or get teared up. I have hugged until my arms fell off, and filled a wastebasket with used tissues. Than I had christmas. weird transition, but I'm tougher than people assume so really I can deal, I can.

Today I am in a better mood than I was, really. I spent a lot of time thinking about good things rather than the bad, so that's always a good sign. My friends are nicer than I make them out to be, and I just want to spend more time with them. New year's is coming, lets see if I can make something out of it.

so many deaths this close to christmas should not be allowed. life goes without saying though, it plays by it's own rules and we just have to cope. blah, cliche thing to say, but it's cliche because it's true.
this morning I woke up and the first thing I found out was that my grandmother has passed away. it goes without saying really, that this is an incredibly emotional and depressing thing. I loved her so much, and it seemed like it happened too fast. the weird thing about this is, I'm just taking this so much harder than I thought I would. I have been to funerals, I have been to wakes, and I hear about people I know dying more than I should, but she was the closest person to me that I have died, and it's sort of monumental in a way. a sad, sad new experience. I'm just going to miss her like crazy, and I feel so bad for my poor dad, who no longer has any surviving parents. my heart nearly broke seeing him cry today, but it's to be expected and I cried just as hard too.

it doesn't even feel like christmas, and quite frankly I could care how many gifts (or lack there of, in my case) are under the tree. I just want things to be okay. I want friends to care about me. I want him to love me. I want my parents to be happy. I want my brother to be successful. I want this guy to get off my back, because the last thing I want right now is a relationship.
You can't always get what you want, yet another cliche thing, but really, it's true.

my grandmother dying in the hospital is affecting me a whole lot more than I thought it would.

happy holidays everyone.

its days like these that I hate. I feel both invisible and overexposed. all the wrong people are paying me too much attention and everyone that I crave attention from don't bother.
what's wrong with me? why should I crave any sort of attention? I should just be comfortable with the way things are, but I just want everything to change and I know if things changed, I'd just be wishing for the good ol' days. it's always like this, and I wish I'd just be satisfied. I never am.
this winter break, well maybe I'll see what I can do. give me some time to think things over, hah as if I haven't done that before. sometimes when I'm given too much time to think I get too absorbed in my thoughts and then I get over analytical and my perfectly decent mood is turned horrible and depressive. sometimes I just don't understand the innerworkings of a teenagers mind. why are we always so overdramatic?
I thought looking great would change things. I spent a month eating everything I should be and moving more often and thinking positive thoughts and I felt no different. I thought the attention of boys would change things, but if anything it just made things a whole lot more complicated. god knows I don't know which one of my friends to turn to, and I can't but feel I'm turning to all the wrong ones. but you know what? things could be worse.
it's weird though, this winter break is the strangest of them all. too many emotions running around, I barely noticed that christmas is less than a week away. with mom being away, my grandmother (whom I love so so so so much) is dying in the hospital, and I can barely visit her, and just all of this drama that I created for myself, I just don't even know. christmas feels like nothing to me this year, and I don't want that to happen because I love the warm, fuzzy beautiful feelings of giving and good tidings of cheer and all that crap. christmas is going to feel like another day, and that's just another sign of growing up.

I don't know what's up with me sometimes. I actually do think it is me, and not just the stupidity of boys.
last night was supposed to be fun, but I have to admit it was most likely the most uncomfortable night of my entire life. he's my friend and I think he's nice and cute and everything, but I just do not like him in the way he likes me. this is the part I don't like, because when it comes to talking about this to other people, I feel like I have to explain to myself. like I have to have a point by point explanation as to why I just don't feel the same way. but I don't. so I feel awkward as usual and I avoid. I don't like confronting things like that. sometimes running and hiding is all I can do and I know it's absolutely the worst thing you can do but I just don't like being the bad guy because I know how it feels more than anything.
when he came to my house and asked me the question I just stammered and ran back inside and not because I was totally shy or totally into him but because I knew what the real answer was and I just wanted to avoid saying it.
I still feel bad for dodging his kiss but that would just complicate things and ugh I just really didn't want to.

I still think that /he/ has something to do with it. lately everytime someone mentions him my stomach gets tied in a knot and I feel like crying but no tears come to my eyes but I feel sick but I don't feel like throwing up than I just start thinking about the things that happened over three hundred days ago and miss them but I am thankful that they once existed. he got me a christmas present and I don't know how this makes me feel. this means that he accepts me as a good friend, and that he was thinking of me, which makes me feel all warm inside, but I just.. you know I just don't know what I want. I blame me entirely for the way I feel, and I no longer blame the stupidity of boys. boys cause nothing but trouble, is that a fact or a state of mind?

I have that end of term blues.
work is piling up, the thought of upcoming reviews and exams, too much worry, a decent amount of stress. Even though there is so, so much to do, I can't bring myself to try really hard. Homework is done half assed, essays done to the weakest of my ability, as long as I know it will get a decent mark, I'm satisfied (but am I really?). I don't know why I don't work to the best of my ability. I am capable of great things, and I know it. I'm not saying I'm a genius, I'm not saying that I'm brilliant, but I know I am capable of doing decently well. Am I just lazy? Am I just putting it off for later, saying that I will do good later on? Right now I feel too average, and I feel like I need something to really prove myself.

Moving on, I wrote this blog entry to tell the world (hah!) about a revelation I made. Today was expecially tiring, especially after the long weekend that was just experienced, and all the work did not help things. I was dozing off in the space between english and lunch, where we were learning, for what seemed like the millionth time in my academic career, mean, median and mode. I just could not handle it today, my mind drifted elsewhere. Usually I do daydream, but not to an extent where I just lose myself completely, but that is where I visited today. I went to the far reaches of my brain, and started thinking about my future, and more importantly, my purpose in life. Seems pretty deep, huh? Not really, I consider myself as deep as shower puddle. Well, I wouldn't consider this a purpose, but more of a motivation. A list of goals I would love to set. Lets get started, shall we?

1. I'd like to do something life altering and different immediately after I graduate.
Okay, this is so cliche. Who doesn't dream of changing theirselves completely after their sentence of grade school is over? Like, ev'rone, that's who. Well, what makes me so different? I can dream, right? I have drifted away in math class, thinking of things. I have fell asleep and seen images flicker on my eyelids, sounds and pictures et all. Maybe I'll be different than the masses, maybe I'll actually accomplish something immediate after I graduate. I wasn't thinking of moving away to a new continent to "find myself", that's a bit too extreme, I'm more kept to myself and not as spontaneous (but who knows! I sure don't). Most of the people who dream big after high school just plan on spending their summer months in continual drunken hazes and hangovers, then retire at the end of august to a nearby post secondary educational institution. I want more than that, but right now.. I just don't know what. I am one of approx. half of my high school's population that absolutely hates the experience I'm having, and wants nothing more than to move on with my life, but all this time keeps on getting in the way. I want to celebrate it somehow, but I'm stuck as to how to do it. I was thinking, a change of appearence? cutting off all my hair? a trip? volunteer work? The sky is the limit, and I'm excited for what is to come.

2. To have him fall in love with me. Now, this goal is only temporary. I have all the skills to make any boy fall in love with me (and so do you! even the homeliest of girls and the most unsocialable are capable, it's all on how you use your tools and read the instructions, is'all). I want him more than anything, but right now he obviously could now care less. Oh, the tragic tale of a poor teenage girl and her unrequited love, boohoo, we've all heard it before, amiright? but, I am determined to make him notice me for more than just the quiet girl that hung out with his buddy eric. I'm not saying that this will happen anytime soon. It may never happen at all, but you know what? I think it might. Right now, I will do anything in my power to make him realize what he lost. Maybe that's all I wanted, or want even. He will come to his senses.

3. I want to do something great with my life. Hah! another one that everyone dreams of. No one wants to stay in this town, with its failing industries and lack of CD store (isn't that just depressing?). Everyone believes that the world is their oyster, and when they leave, not even the devil himself can keep them here. To be honest, I don't care when I land when I "grow up". I can come back here, I can leave, I can move far, far away. I just want to do something great. Out of my parents' children, only one half will graduate. My brother right now is unemployed, and has no sense of responsibility, blah blah I love my brother and I don't want to trash talk him right at the moment, but it's true. He dropped out of school, and I'm obviously going to graduate. I want to go to school, make my poor parents proud, and end up with a decent job that I semi, kind of, sort of, love. That isn't too hard to ask, right? Everyone has the ability to acquire that. I may be lazy, but I've never been so lazy that it landed me in hot water. Nuh uh, never. I know I will amount to something, but what? Hm, that is to be decided at a later date.

Those goals arn't so hard to reach, right? I definately don't think so. Now, two things I would like to talk to before I retire to my piles of homework.
What is with boys these days? They're just all sorts of confusing, I'll tell you that much. This cute boy, which I believe I have mentioned in a previous entry (maybe?) asked me to formal. Apparently he "liked me" liked me. Which is, of course, awesome, because it's not often that a semi cute boy has interest in me. It's always my friends that have the luck in this department, much to my dismay and intense jealousy. but, you know what? This whole thing is just confusing me. Right now, after talking to him and spending a teensy bit of time with him, I just don't know what he thinks of me at all. How come boys just can't come out and say whether they like me or not? Well, it's problably karma because I'm not one to do the same (I'm such a hypocrite, you'll notice this. often.) Oh well. Because of this, I don't know where I stand on what I think of him. Right now, I just don't think I'm going to worry about it.

Also, what is with some friends? My best buddy in the world (or so I thought) just refuses to spend any time with me. Again, I'm just complaining, and I'm trying not to worry about it. There are far worse problems in the world, hunger and war, all that junk, but when you tell someone to call you, you should get at least an apology as to why they didn't. Sounds reasonable, right? To be honest, I just don't think he cares about me anyone. This is the guy who once said he wanted to go to university with me, and who said I was one of the best friends he's ever had. I just wish I knew what I did to change things, and this applys for a lot of things, actually. Really!

I think this entry is long enough.
Back to reality now.

when the radio kicked on this morning, I sighed a breath of relief that could cause a hurricane.
sometimes good things do happen to me.
not often, but sometimes.
now I have this day to myself, me looking all prim and proper with my blood red nails.
I need a purpose, but not right now.

"I like songs about drifters - books about the same.
They both seem to make me feel a little less insane.
Walked on off to another spot.
I still haven't got anywhere that I want.
Did I want love? Did I need to know?
Why does it always feel like I'm caught in an undertow?"

life is good, life is awesome.
I can't help but think things can get better, though.
I had the most amazing conversation with him the other day. It left me feeling like I was beautiful, and worth something. worth a lot. It also made me wish he was around more. It made me realize I'm not as over him as I thought I was (how dumb did I feel!)
I love my friends, and they love me. Life is good, like I have said to myself many times.
No reason to complain.
Christmas is coming, 'tis the season. I'm not getting many gifts, but it's fine because I didn't ask for much. Life goes round, life is good.
Life is good indeed, there's a cute boy hanging around. He asked me to formal; I said yes. He apparently 'likes me' likes me, but I just don't know how to feel right now. No reason to complain, life is awesome.
I have many books to read, many things to study, my cat to pet, christmas cookies to snack on, friends to talk to, snow to frolic in, school to attend, work to make coffee at, money to make, money to spend, money to save, and the future to come.

I don't know why I think life is so hard; life is grand. The good always outweighs the bad, but the bad is just wearing a more noticeable costume, issall.

fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck.

it's the little things that keep you going. the smile from the stranger, the perfectly made tea. your friend complimented you, you got a good grade on a test. your shirt smells like the dryer, fresh and clean. sometimes it doesn't matter if you're heartbroken or your mom is across the country trying to keep us fed and clothed. sometimes it doesn't matter if you're worried who your true friends are. I love moments where life seems beautiful, despite the fact that these big problems are facing you. Sometimes you wrap a christmas present so perfectly, and you're so proud of yourself, that you forget your brother is going to come home crying and drunk out of his mind, poor and depressed.

Sometimes life is beautiful. Maybe because life is beautiful.

it's always a good feeling, when someone's always looking at you, trying to get your attention, talks about you to his and your friends. especially when you do the same thing back.
I missed this, but lets hope it won't be like last time.

one day at a time, one day at a time.

I feel a strange confidence while talking to him. Maybe because I found a temporary replacement? today is awesome, despite the looming essay.

I can't stop thinking about someone. and it's not the usual someone. isn't that slightly.. odd? am I over the usual someone? oh, most definately not. it still hurts my chest everytime I think about him. but I guess I'm glad I have some sort of a distraction. maybe this distraction will cause my usual someone some sort of jealously. now I just feel like a witch, but maybe I just crave attention from the usual someone, that I just don't care what form it comes in. it's the worst feeling in the world, being possessed by undying love for someone. unrequited love, the most painful feeling in the world, well one of them anyway. I wonder when he's coming home for christmas holidays. I wonder if he'll talk to me. I wonder if he'll want to see me. I wonder if I'll apologize to him. I wonder if I will ever see a day where I can stop thinking about him.

Id love to feel your hand touching mine
And tell me why I must keep working on
Yes, Id give my life to lay my head tonight
On a bed of california stars

Id like to dream my troubles all away
On a bed of california stars
Jump up from my starbed and make another day
Underneath my california stars

this is a weird transition, this whole computer thing. I come back from halifax, and suddenly my computer has lost all it's information, files, programs..
it feels like I lost a part of me, I lost a collection. but then again, it doesn't really bother me as much as I thought it would.
I also found a new distraction. Lets hope this one is successful.