oh lord, this year.

quick recap:
this year I worked a lot, spent lots of money, visited a new country, spent a night in times square, saw broadway plays, found out who my real friends were, hugged the person I love most, spent lots of time listening and discussing music with my best guy friend, got a 100 mark in my favorite class, cried over things that had to be cried about, had my heart shattered, had the heart shatterer call me cute and beautiful, spent three amazing days in Montreal, saw my favorite band live with my best friend, went to an anime convention with two other best friends and completely nerded out, had my friends throw me a surprise party, went on late night outtings with the one I love most, drank lots of orange slushies, went on lots of drives, saw cloverfield, bought countless dvds, went to a punk rock show, lost weight, gained weight, discovered tonnes of new bands, got drunk for the first time, gotten drunk a couple times after it with good friends, went on dates, thought a lot about my future, and had all worries about it leave my mind.

this year was not too bad.

when I am asked, 'are you a jealous person?' I always say yes. what's the point in lying?

it's true, I consider myself to be filled with jealousy, and I can be easily angered by my desire to have what someone else does. I hate it, but what can be done. even if I don't act out on it, which I rarely do, the emotion is still there and I just wish there is a cure for it, an antidote. I went shopping out of town today, and one thing I hate about going to a slightly bigger town to shop and look around, is that I'm always surrounded by people that wear better clothes, look better, are skinnier, etc. Here in my own town, seeing people like this does not bother me, and I just can't wrap my head around the fact that it always bothers me when I'm somewhere else other than here. I just can't make a hypothesis. I saw a girl with the hair cut I always wanted, stick thin with a jacket that had a huge Velvet Underground patch on the back. She pulled off a style that I never could, and it made me momentarily sad, but one thing that I like about jealousy more than other common emotions that I have, that it's so easy to get over. You can always bounce back, unless the thing you want most but don't have is constantly thrown into your face. That's a little harder to ignore, and thank god I don't have to deal with much of that lately.

I always love the feeling you get when you buy a really cool shirt though, especially one that looks great on you. the first couple times you wear it always makes you feel so wicked fine. I like feeling wicked fine. maybe I just am wicked fine.

some things are good, some things are bad.

it sort of feels like life is pumped back into me again. ever since I was blessed with the most beautiful christmas present I could ever recieve, it seems like my interest in music is there again. I saw a great movie tonight and it made me want to watch more. I hung out with friends today and I talked and laughed and smiled and wasn't down at all, I want to hang out more and more. this is scary though, only slightly. what if I have this sudden interest in having a social life, and no social life is found? it'd be heartbreaking, and it has happened before. I don't know what to do sometimes, going with the flow never works when you're overanalytical like me.

to my faithful (ha) blog readers; read my last entry, you may enjoy it slightly, if you are who I think you are.

The drive home from work was really foggy. During that drive I concluded that there are only six people that I would take a bullet for.

one person likes anime and I can talk to her for hours because she's so cool in her own way, and I like that a whole lot. one is so nice and always tells me that she loves me and the cool thing is that I actually believe her. one I can honestly say is my best friend and always makes me feel like I'm worth something even when I'm moody and feeling sorry for myself. one is the coolest guy I've ever met and even when he rules the world someday, he'll still call me and tell me all about it. one I don't hang out with often but he's got a unique sense of humor and I can talk to him about anything and everything. one gives me free liquor and that's awesome and she's always there when I need someone to talk to.

I'm a lot luckier than I previously thought. I like when I surprise myself.

I worked this morning, and I haven't worked in quite some time, for obvious reasons. but, it was strange, I felt semi glad to be back. It made me realize, if I didn't have my job, then what else would I do?
Think about it, a job changes your life, and for the better. You have money, which means freedom. No asking others for your pocket change, and that money can be spent any way you like. It's liberating, and it makes me feel grown up. I like it so much that I buy my own shampoo, sometimes my own groceries. Call me crazy, but I love the feeling. Working itself isn't so great, in fact some days it can be equivelent to drilling a hole right through to the other side of your head, but this just makes your days off so, so much sweeter. Before I had my part time job, everyday was sitting around the house day. Now, that I am an employed individual, on days off I still sit around the house, yes, but I am no longer bored, and I now feel that my laziness was hard earned.
Today went by so quickly. I served customers with a big smile, did what I was told, as quickly as efficiently as possible. When four o'clock came, I wondered 'what? why is it 4 already?' well, I can't answer that. I can't answer that at all, but I'm thankful that I wasn't tired and so down spirited as usual. Maybe I finally realized that no matter what I do in life now, there's no looking back, I will always be working hard. When I first came to terms with this months ago, it scared me. I will always either be working, or doing school work. Days off will become fewer and fewer; I didn't like this. It made me feel like I was stuck, and there was no turning back. I will never have those days of play and recess again, but now, I honestly could not care. I am now a respectable part of society, paying my dues and working hard.
It's a good feeling. Sort of.
Pouring coffee sure does beat writing essays.

Have you ever tried to go to sleep at night, but just couldn't, because you were too busy dissecting a conversation you had with someone only hours before? That was me, last night. I'd feel dreams drift towards me, but instead of chasing after them and falling deep into dark, beautiful slumber, I'd wake myself, just to think more about him. I swear, I swear to god. There are only two options. I will either a) get over him, someday in the near future. I will realize he is not as great as previously believed (which, right now seems quite impossible, but it could happen) or b) I will make him fall in love me. This will happen. I will get older, I will get skinnier and prettier, I will become more sophisticated and more knowledgeable, and he will realize this. There are no other options. There are no other options. There are no other options.

one more thing; my tooth hurts like a motherfucking cunt bitch fuck.

this day has been a breath of fresh air in what I consider to be the longest and tedious week I've been through in a long time.
I missed the feeling of being so scared of just seeing someone. I missed thinking of possible things to say in conversation, if it ever became awkward. I miss the feeling of being genuinely afraid of failing or doing something embarassing, doing something so horrible that the person you're so into just looks at you with disgust. Forgetting about these fears and actually going through with it all and risking everything, it's sort of a thrill. I just missed him like crazy. I stumbled over my words, and I forced conversation, and I just appeared awkward, but I'd like to think that it all wasn't noticed. He hugged me though. Oh my god, I just realized that now. I forgot about it, how could I? I am like a little schoolgirl. I am giggling and happy as a clam, but also not as happy as I should be, because obviously there will be no matching blog post about me.

Sometimes that just doesn't matter, though.

the past few days have been an emotional whirlwind, and to be completely honest, I'm sorta kind of glad that the whole, gift and santa part of these holidays are over, because this whole holiday that I usually love with all my heart and wait all year for, well I don't know. It just all seemed fake this year, as if people were forced to give me presents, just as I felt forced to give other people gifts as well. Not to mention, this morning I slept in, feeling it would be a better idea to catch extra z's than go downstairs and open my presents. Am I just bitter, or am I just growing up? Is there much difference between the two? Regardless, I opened my presents, and was genuinely glad that I got new pyjamas, and all the cards I got from relatives were heartwarming and much appreciated, but afterward I just wanted to go back to bed.
This christmas is a little bit different then all the others, for obvious reasons. after dinner at my grandparents (my mom's parents), we always visited my dad's mother, my grandmother who passed away on monday. We couldn't go there, who was there to see? This is a previously unthought of change in routine, and it did nothing but leave me and my father in a weird state of depression. I, on the verge of tears, with a stomach completely turkey drunk, ready for a nap. I've felt weirder emotions, but this is definately up there. In the past few days, I have cried a many a rivers, and seen every member of my family sob or get teared up. I have hugged until my arms fell off, and filled a wastebasket with used tissues. Than I had christmas. weird transition, but I'm tougher than people assume so really I can deal, I can.

Today I am in a better mood than I was, really. I spent a lot of time thinking about good things rather than the bad, so that's always a good sign. My friends are nicer than I make them out to be, and I just want to spend more time with them. New year's is coming, lets see if I can make something out of it.

so many deaths this close to christmas should not be allowed. life goes without saying though, it plays by it's own rules and we just have to cope. blah, cliche thing to say, but it's cliche because it's true.
this morning I woke up and the first thing I found out was that my grandmother has passed away. it goes without saying really, that this is an incredibly emotional and depressing thing. I loved her so much, and it seemed like it happened too fast. the weird thing about this is, I'm just taking this so much harder than I thought I would. I have been to funerals, I have been to wakes, and I hear about people I know dying more than I should, but she was the closest person to me that I have died, and it's sort of monumental in a way. a sad, sad new experience. I'm just going to miss her like crazy, and I feel so bad for my poor dad, who no longer has any surviving parents. my heart nearly broke seeing him cry today, but it's to be expected and I cried just as hard too.

it doesn't even feel like christmas, and quite frankly I could care how many gifts (or lack there of, in my case) are under the tree. I just want things to be okay. I want friends to care about me. I want him to love me. I want my parents to be happy. I want my brother to be successful. I want this guy to get off my back, because the last thing I want right now is a relationship.
You can't always get what you want, yet another cliche thing, but really, it's true.

my grandmother dying in the hospital is affecting me a whole lot more than I thought it would.

happy holidays everyone.

its days like these that I hate. I feel both invisible and overexposed. all the wrong people are paying me too much attention and everyone that I crave attention from don't bother.
what's wrong with me? why should I crave any sort of attention? I should just be comfortable with the way things are, but I just want everything to change and I know if things changed, I'd just be wishing for the good ol' days. it's always like this, and I wish I'd just be satisfied. I never am.
this winter break, well maybe I'll see what I can do. give me some time to think things over, hah as if I haven't done that before. sometimes when I'm given too much time to think I get too absorbed in my thoughts and then I get over analytical and my perfectly decent mood is turned horrible and depressive. sometimes I just don't understand the innerworkings of a teenagers mind. why are we always so overdramatic?
I thought looking great would change things. I spent a month eating everything I should be and moving more often and thinking positive thoughts and I felt no different. I thought the attention of boys would change things, but if anything it just made things a whole lot more complicated. god knows I don't know which one of my friends to turn to, and I can't but feel I'm turning to all the wrong ones. but you know what? things could be worse.
it's weird though, this winter break is the strangest of them all. too many emotions running around, I barely noticed that christmas is less than a week away. with mom being away, my grandmother (whom I love so so so so much) is dying in the hospital, and I can barely visit her, and just all of this drama that I created for myself, I just don't even know. christmas feels like nothing to me this year, and I don't want that to happen because I love the warm, fuzzy beautiful feelings of giving and good tidings of cheer and all that crap. christmas is going to feel like another day, and that's just another sign of growing up.

I don't know what's up with me sometimes. I actually do think it is me, and not just the stupidity of boys.
last night was supposed to be fun, but I have to admit it was most likely the most uncomfortable night of my entire life. he's my friend and I think he's nice and cute and everything, but I just do not like him in the way he likes me. this is the part I don't like, because when it comes to talking about this to other people, I feel like I have to explain to myself. like I have to have a point by point explanation as to why I just don't feel the same way. but I don't. so I feel awkward as usual and I avoid. I don't like confronting things like that. sometimes running and hiding is all I can do and I know it's absolutely the worst thing you can do but I just don't like being the bad guy because I know how it feels more than anything.
when he came to my house and asked me the question I just stammered and ran back inside and not because I was totally shy or totally into him but because I knew what the real answer was and I just wanted to avoid saying it.
I still feel bad for dodging his kiss but that would just complicate things and ugh I just really didn't want to.

I still think that /he/ has something to do with it. lately everytime someone mentions him my stomach gets tied in a knot and I feel like crying but no tears come to my eyes but I feel sick but I don't feel like throwing up than I just start thinking about the things that happened over three hundred days ago and miss them but I am thankful that they once existed. he got me a christmas present and I don't know how this makes me feel. this means that he accepts me as a good friend, and that he was thinking of me, which makes me feel all warm inside, but I just.. you know I just don't know what I want. I blame me entirely for the way I feel, and I no longer blame the stupidity of boys. boys cause nothing but trouble, is that a fact or a state of mind?

I have that end of term blues.
work is piling up, the thought of upcoming reviews and exams, too much worry, a decent amount of stress. Even though there is so, so much to do, I can't bring myself to try really hard. Homework is done half assed, essays done to the weakest of my ability, as long as I know it will get a decent mark, I'm satisfied (but am I really?). I don't know why I don't work to the best of my ability. I am capable of great things, and I know it. I'm not saying I'm a genius, I'm not saying that I'm brilliant, but I know I am capable of doing decently well. Am I just lazy? Am I just putting it off for later, saying that I will do good later on? Right now I feel too average, and I feel like I need something to really prove myself.

Moving on, I wrote this blog entry to tell the world (hah!) about a revelation I made. Today was expecially tiring, especially after the long weekend that was just experienced, and all the work did not help things. I was dozing off in the space between english and lunch, where we were learning, for what seemed like the millionth time in my academic career, mean, median and mode. I just could not handle it today, my mind drifted elsewhere. Usually I do daydream, but not to an extent where I just lose myself completely, but that is where I visited today. I went to the far reaches of my brain, and started thinking about my future, and more importantly, my purpose in life. Seems pretty deep, huh? Not really, I consider myself as deep as shower puddle. Well, I wouldn't consider this a purpose, but more of a motivation. A list of goals I would love to set. Lets get started, shall we?

1. I'd like to do something life altering and different immediately after I graduate.
Okay, this is so cliche. Who doesn't dream of changing theirselves completely after their sentence of grade school is over? Like, ev'rone, that's who. Well, what makes me so different? I can dream, right? I have drifted away in math class, thinking of things. I have fell asleep and seen images flicker on my eyelids, sounds and pictures et all. Maybe I'll be different than the masses, maybe I'll actually accomplish something immediate after I graduate. I wasn't thinking of moving away to a new continent to "find myself", that's a bit too extreme, I'm more kept to myself and not as spontaneous (but who knows! I sure don't). Most of the people who dream big after high school just plan on spending their summer months in continual drunken hazes and hangovers, then retire at the end of august to a nearby post secondary educational institution. I want more than that, but right now.. I just don't know what. I am one of approx. half of my high school's population that absolutely hates the experience I'm having, and wants nothing more than to move on with my life, but all this time keeps on getting in the way. I want to celebrate it somehow, but I'm stuck as to how to do it. I was thinking, a change of appearence? cutting off all my hair? a trip? volunteer work? The sky is the limit, and I'm excited for what is to come.

2. To have him fall in love with me. Now, this goal is only temporary. I have all the skills to make any boy fall in love with me (and so do you! even the homeliest of girls and the most unsocialable are capable, it's all on how you use your tools and read the instructions, is'all). I want him more than anything, but right now he obviously could now care less. Oh, the tragic tale of a poor teenage girl and her unrequited love, boohoo, we've all heard it before, amiright? but, I am determined to make him notice me for more than just the quiet girl that hung out with his buddy eric. I'm not saying that this will happen anytime soon. It may never happen at all, but you know what? I think it might. Right now, I will do anything in my power to make him realize what he lost. Maybe that's all I wanted, or want even. He will come to his senses.

3. I want to do something great with my life. Hah! another one that everyone dreams of. No one wants to stay in this town, with its failing industries and lack of CD store (isn't that just depressing?). Everyone believes that the world is their oyster, and when they leave, not even the devil himself can keep them here. To be honest, I don't care when I land when I "grow up". I can come back here, I can leave, I can move far, far away. I just want to do something great. Out of my parents' children, only one half will graduate. My brother right now is unemployed, and has no sense of responsibility, blah blah I love my brother and I don't want to trash talk him right at the moment, but it's true. He dropped out of school, and I'm obviously going to graduate. I want to go to school, make my poor parents proud, and end up with a decent job that I semi, kind of, sort of, love. That isn't too hard to ask, right? Everyone has the ability to acquire that. I may be lazy, but I've never been so lazy that it landed me in hot water. Nuh uh, never. I know I will amount to something, but what? Hm, that is to be decided at a later date.

Those goals arn't so hard to reach, right? I definately don't think so. Now, two things I would like to talk to before I retire to my piles of homework.
What is with boys these days? They're just all sorts of confusing, I'll tell you that much. This cute boy, which I believe I have mentioned in a previous entry (maybe?) asked me to formal. Apparently he "liked me" liked me. Which is, of course, awesome, because it's not often that a semi cute boy has interest in me. It's always my friends that have the luck in this department, much to my dismay and intense jealousy. but, you know what? This whole thing is just confusing me. Right now, after talking to him and spending a teensy bit of time with him, I just don't know what he thinks of me at all. How come boys just can't come out and say whether they like me or not? Well, it's problably karma because I'm not one to do the same (I'm such a hypocrite, you'll notice this. often.) Oh well. Because of this, I don't know where I stand on what I think of him. Right now, I just don't think I'm going to worry about it.

Also, what is with some friends? My best buddy in the world (or so I thought) just refuses to spend any time with me. Again, I'm just complaining, and I'm trying not to worry about it. There are far worse problems in the world, hunger and war, all that junk, but when you tell someone to call you, you should get at least an apology as to why they didn't. Sounds reasonable, right? To be honest, I just don't think he cares about me anyone. This is the guy who once said he wanted to go to university with me, and who said I was one of the best friends he's ever had. I just wish I knew what I did to change things, and this applys for a lot of things, actually. Really!

I think this entry is long enough.
Back to reality now.

when the radio kicked on this morning, I sighed a breath of relief that could cause a hurricane.
sometimes good things do happen to me.
not often, but sometimes.
now I have this day to myself, me looking all prim and proper with my blood red nails.
I need a purpose, but not right now.

"I like songs about drifters - books about the same.
They both seem to make me feel a little less insane.
Walked on off to another spot.
I still haven't got anywhere that I want.
Did I want love? Did I need to know?
Why does it always feel like I'm caught in an undertow?"

life is good, life is awesome.
I can't help but think things can get better, though.
I had the most amazing conversation with him the other day. It left me feeling like I was beautiful, and worth something. worth a lot. It also made me wish he was around more. It made me realize I'm not as over him as I thought I was (how dumb did I feel!)
I love my friends, and they love me. Life is good, like I have said to myself many times.
No reason to complain.
Christmas is coming, 'tis the season. I'm not getting many gifts, but it's fine because I didn't ask for much. Life goes round, life is good.
Life is good indeed, there's a cute boy hanging around. He asked me to formal; I said yes. He apparently 'likes me' likes me, but I just don't know how to feel right now. No reason to complain, life is awesome.
I have many books to read, many things to study, my cat to pet, christmas cookies to snack on, friends to talk to, snow to frolic in, school to attend, work to make coffee at, money to make, money to spend, money to save, and the future to come.

I don't know why I think life is so hard; life is grand. The good always outweighs the bad, but the bad is just wearing a more noticeable costume, issall.

fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck.

it's the little things that keep you going. the smile from the stranger, the perfectly made tea. your friend complimented you, you got a good grade on a test. your shirt smells like the dryer, fresh and clean. sometimes it doesn't matter if you're heartbroken or your mom is across the country trying to keep us fed and clothed. sometimes it doesn't matter if you're worried who your true friends are. I love moments where life seems beautiful, despite the fact that these big problems are facing you. Sometimes you wrap a christmas present so perfectly, and you're so proud of yourself, that you forget your brother is going to come home crying and drunk out of his mind, poor and depressed.

Sometimes life is beautiful. Maybe because life is beautiful.

it's always a good feeling, when someone's always looking at you, trying to get your attention, talks about you to his and your friends. especially when you do the same thing back.
I missed this, but lets hope it won't be like last time.

one day at a time, one day at a time.

I feel a strange confidence while talking to him. Maybe because I found a temporary replacement? today is awesome, despite the looming essay.

I can't stop thinking about someone. and it's not the usual someone. isn't that slightly.. odd? am I over the usual someone? oh, most definately not. it still hurts my chest everytime I think about him. but I guess I'm glad I have some sort of a distraction. maybe this distraction will cause my usual someone some sort of jealously. now I just feel like a witch, but maybe I just crave attention from the usual someone, that I just don't care what form it comes in. it's the worst feeling in the world, being possessed by undying love for someone. unrequited love, the most painful feeling in the world, well one of them anyway. I wonder when he's coming home for christmas holidays. I wonder if he'll talk to me. I wonder if he'll want to see me. I wonder if I'll apologize to him. I wonder if I will ever see a day where I can stop thinking about him.

Id love to feel your hand touching mine
And tell me why I must keep working on
Yes, Id give my life to lay my head tonight
On a bed of california stars

Id like to dream my troubles all away
On a bed of california stars
Jump up from my starbed and make another day
Underneath my california stars

this is a weird transition, this whole computer thing. I come back from halifax, and suddenly my computer has lost all it's information, files, programs..
it feels like I lost a part of me, I lost a collection. but then again, it doesn't really bother me as much as I thought it would.
I also found a new distraction. Lets hope this one is successful.

sometimes I'm tired of holding myself back. I never thought it would be a problem to over analyze things. I refrain from saying what I really want, because my head says that logically it could only lead to more problems, even if it would feel so so good to say it. this is why I never tell anyone off. this is why I never tell the people I have feelings for, that well, I have feelings for them. then eventually I feel like I miss opportunities and will never get another chance to say these things again. this makes me feel like a spineless pushover. one day I'll get the confidence to say what I feel, but right now, hiding from my heart seems like the only logical answer.

"you leave your drink around me, believe your drink gon get drunk up"

days just pass by too fast and too slow at the same time. I wake up, the morning goes by so fast. I go to school, each class seems to take forever for the bell to ring, but yet by the end of the day I ask where has the time gone. it doesn't make sense to me either.
I'm tired of comparing myself to others. I feel so inferior to a lot of people in my english and math classes, and it's a weird feeling that I'm just not used to. My self esteem is taking blow after blow, and trying really hard, but yet nothing changes. I'm just not as good as I used to be.

but look at the positive!
I feel great, I changed my eating habits, and I've never felt better. I'm never tired, I always have energy, I never feel bloated. It's something I can definately get used to.

I do have moments where everything feels okay. I hang out with someone that I genuinely like, and everything feels okay. We talk about music, and music makes me feel okay. I do my homework, and it's easy and done, I feel okay. I feel in control. Sometimes I feel good, sometimes I feel great. It's not all bad. I overdramatize everything. Sometimes things are decent, things are excellent. Maybe it all isn't so bad, maybe the bad just overshadows the good, to a point where the good is hardly seen. Maybe all we need is a flashlight.

I feel like such a failure at everything I was once good at. It seems like the only thing I can do decently these days is making coffee.

I missed this feeling. the feeling of discovering something new. the feeling of being superior for a microsecond. the feeling of never wanting to stop listening to something. the feeling of hope.
where have I been all of this time? where was I hiding, I had so much free time, yet accomplished nothing.

it feels like the only thing I enjoy listening to lately is cookiecutter pop. what is this, grade nine? I try to mend my broken heart with shallow and relateable lyrics?

yeah, sounds right.

Right now, I'm listening to ABBA.

right now I'm sort of out of my slump and I'm socializing again and I feel like I can do what I love again. I work hard and I try to occupy my time, and I try to find opportunties to hang out with people, even when I'm shut down, I'm trying not to worry too much about the future, I'm trying to love myself, I'm trying harder than I've ever tried before, it's so hard to be pleasent sometimes, but I'm trying.

Where are those happy days, they seem so hard to find
I tried to reach for you, but you have closed your mind

I keep making these crazy schemes and neat things to do, but I end up getting way too lazy and unmotivated to them, and it just makes me feel worse about myself, but I try so hard, but I just can't anymore. I don't know why, but I love to sleep, even though sometimes it's hard to fall into a sort of comfortable slumber.

I wish I understood
It used to be so nice, it used to be so good

most of all I just feel so down because I put all of my feelings toward one person, and I just feel so shut down. I hate this feeling, and I haven't felt like this in a long, long time. I keep feeling this sharp twang under my ribcage, and it will not go away, but it only appears when it enters my mind, and it enters my mind so, so often.

When youre gone
How can I even try to go on?

the beauty of music; you can find any lyric or song relateable.

last night I obtained vodka and went to a friend's house, in hopes that I'd get smashed. when I got there, all hopes of getting incredibly hammed were dashed; I just did not feel like it. so instead I sipped coolers and stayed on someone's laptop, hoping that he would talk to me. feeling slightly tipsy left me feeling slightly more confident, which left me slightly more at ease to talk about my feelings (I had no trouble telling my whole life story to brittany, a girl I have never even talked to before), but he did not, making me feel sick, and not from vodka shots, mind you.

I've been attempting to write this essay since three oclock (it is now seven), and I barely wrote one page. I have no interest in writing a research essay on remembrance, and having no motivation leads to writers' block, which will lead to me sitting in front of this computer all night. being unable to write a school assignment is weird, because I recently acquired my love of writing in my free time again. sigh; of course it wouldn't benefit me in the real world. now only to get my love of music and reading back, and I'll feel normal, and maybe not as depressed and heartbroken.

Update: it is now 9:46, I have finished the essay, and it is three pages double spaced. I am truly a pathetic individual.

oh darling, when you hear me

so, it's like this.
lately I just feel embarassed and stupid and ugly.
those who know me, know why.
and quite frankly, I have to get over this, and as soon as possible.

so I have to start:
- downloading more music
- reading more music
- doing more homework
- thinking positively
- stop thinking about him and his amazingness
- start christmas shopping
- make up with all the girls that are hatin' on me

so I've been listening to this to make me feel better:

You needed me when you were crying,
But now you're laughing I'm the last thing on your mind.
First you love me, then you don't.
I'm up and down,
Like a yo-yo.
Yo-yo.

Ah, you thought you knew me pretty well,
But with people like me you never can tell.
You can only guess which way I'll go.
You got me sussed, but you don't know,
I'm a yo-yo.
Just like a yo-yo on a string.

what. the. fuck.

I've never been so lonely in my entire life.
when she told me that "university would be horrible if I didn't have all my friends," is immediately made me scared for the future.
I hate being compared.
and I hate how I couldn't even talk, be around, or even look at him the whole night. will I ever be over him? possibly. do I want to be? I don't think so.

"Where'd you park the car?"

.. did I do something wrong?

today, I was so moody. I went from being so sad, to being so giddy, to being so snappy. I blame me being a teenager, and my questionable report card.
also, spaz spaz spaz. he is so cute, and is has found a way to contact me through three internet sources. god, I love him.

have you ever seen someone for only a brief moment, then asked yourself if you could spend the rest of your life with them? I do all the time.
working today, I was doing some random task, and observing the customers being served. there was this one yuppie looking guy on a cell phone, and looked pretentious and arrogant. As I rolled my eyes and continued with my task, this little boy comes in, yelling 'daddy!' and runs up the the suit, in which he immediately slaps his cell phone shut and picks up his kid, giving all his undivided attention to him while he waited for his bagel. I don't know why, but I thought it was so sweet.

We haven't talked since thanksgiving and yet I can't go a span of ten minutes without thinking about him. I am truly, a pathetic individual.

the days of neutrality continue to come.
I had to work today, today being halloween, but we got to dress up and it was fun and young males gave me big tips which made me feel special for a few tenths of seconds. Then I remember about my math mark and the big research paper I have to write in english. Then I think about the two really nice comments left on my lastFM page, then I think of my best friend choosing other best friends over me, nearly all of the time, but then I think I have things going to smoothly for me lately, that I shouldn't even care about the small stuff. It's all small stuff; I read that on a book cover once.

attractive CD store guy went through the drive through and left me a two dollar tip. :3

things are going decent. decent, decent, it's always decent. things never suck, I'm never incredibly sad anymore; which, of course, is awesome to the nth degree. The thing is, I'm never incredibly happy anymore. I'm so incredibly neutral, and I just.. don't know what to feel. but, I guess that's alright, right?
I got most of my midterm marks. I got 95's or higher in all of my classes, minus math, which I'm struggling in, for some inexplicable reason. It's incredibly frustrating, considering I understand everything completely. The class is incredibly reliant on test marks though, and I just choke on all these tests, and I don't know why. I'm not failing though, which is good right? see? neutral.
I'm just refusing to comment on the friend situation and the love situation. it's just so neutral. I have friends, we hang out, but yet I still feel lonely, but not. neutral. I'm still in love with someone who barely cares but it's my fault because I won't do anything about it. neutral. everything is so neutral, I can't be sad or happy about anything. also, has the word neutral lost any meaning for you guys too? overusing a word is not a great idea.

I did get the new Chuck Klosterman book, Downtown Owl. His first novel, and it's totally boss, I'm sucked in already (although, the part of the book with Horace's point of view is not as interesting as the other two, which is a bit of a problem)

it's 2 am, and things are looking (somewhat) up, but I still have this odd feeling in my stomach that everything is just going to blow up in my face. I hate this.

I haven't been this stressed out in ages. I feel like I'm dying.

I haven't been this stressed out in ages. I feel like I'm dying.

when I have a good conversation with him, it makes me feel so happy. it's weird relying on one person to affect your mood.

I spent all afternoon walking up and down town, and buying posters on eBay. oops? I am such a procrastiator, and this english project is not going to finish itself.

I can't stop listening to this song, though. Kinda unexpected from me, ain't it?

I used him as a distraction from the person I really love, and now he's got a girlfriend, and that doesn't make me sad over him. It makes me sad over the person I wanted to hide my feelings from.

Also, I realized I base way too much of my self worth on my academic marks.

I miss Montreal more than anything

no one is happy anymore, and I have no happy to feed off of. if everyone is telling me how badly their life is going, what can I do? I can't help everyone, and I have my own life to deal with. I need a teenager help manual or something.

no is happy anymore, and I have no happy to feed off of. if everyone is telling me how badly their life is going, what can I do? I can't help everyone, and I have my own life to deal with. I need a teenager help manual or something.

I broke my brain today, I apologize to anyone who had to witness it.

one conversation can change your life, and your future. I experienced that today.

I don't think I'll ever fall out of love with him, anytime soon anyway. no matter how much I try to distract myself with silly boys, weekends, school and coffee making.
I'll never be good enough.

I spent the money my grandmother gave me on alcohol. the world is a weird, weird place.

when you're home alone, all the normal noises sound ten times scarier. it's like an adventure.

also, I heard this song for the first time today.
I've never related to a song this much before.

cup on counter. sugar, cream. pour. stir. snap lid. pass. repeatrepeatrepeat.
it seems my job gets more and more stressful everyday. I burnt my thumb today. then fantasized about taking all the pots, and letting them smash all over the floor. the thought of it gives me shivers.

eb is going to dal. when he told me, I went to biology class with the biggest smile on my face. I can't believe I doubted him.

this song was stuck on my head all day. mott the hoople, and it's a song that isn't All The Young Dudes!

I feel sick and dying but at the same time I feel fine but I just don't know what to do to keep my mood constant anymore I go from being happy to being depressed to being content to being hopeless and the slightest thing can change it.
shopping is always such a drag lately. you try to act above it, you really try, and it just doesn't work sometimes. I'm always there for my friends when they feel shitty about themselves but how can it be honest when I don't even feel that great about MYself, I hate myself and the way I look I always have, I can't fool myself anymore.
oh internet, you're getting quite the load of teen angst.
okay, fine. I apologize, but seriously.

also, how hard is it to buy a copy of Mean Girls in this town? I was in zellers, and I bought a DVD at the entertainment centre, or whatever that lil' section is called, and this older woman storms in and is like "IS THERE ANYMORE OF THIS? HUH?" holding a large package of toilet paper, obviously trying to find a deal she found in this weeks flier. the poor cashier, she was so nice, and told her to check the end of the aisle but she thought it was all sold out, and that woman gave the most evil glare I have ever seen in a middle aged, overweight woman eyes. She didn't deserve that, none of us deserved that. Working in the service industry is horrible and desensitizing. I couldn't look in the CD store for the dvd I wanted, Attractive CD Store guy was skulking about in there, and I felt so sorry for myself and just lost all the usual confidence I have when I see ACDSG.

I bought a necklace. I already have my formal dress for this year. It's honestly the cutest dress I have ever, ever worn. Lets hope there's no repeat of next year, where in the span of one week I find out I'm forced to go, forced to find a dress, forced to find all this money, I didn't have a hair appointment or anything, I felt so underdressed and horrific.

Have you ever stared at a big bin of bargain DVDs, ones you've never heard before, horrible covers and names, ones sold for 2.99, have you ever looked at those and wondered if the best movie you could ever watch is in there? Have you ever looked at a pile of DVDs, looked at the little tags that are on the front, that tell you the price, then think of how many the store must has to print annually? How many trees it takes, how much glue? I do all the time.

oh god, why do I post personal things on the internet?
I'm an idiot sometimes, but I'm way past caring at this point.

"just like a dozen refers to twelve things, one mole refers to 6.02 x 10 to the power of 23 things!"
oh, I love chemistry class so much.

today I spent all of lunch reading the new cosmo aloud to my friend, reading the steamiest and naughtiest things in a sultry, overexaggerated voice. it's really the way to go. I then got kv to read it in chemistry class, and he was shocked. overall, today was successful, despite having Lovers in Japan stuck in my head. here, I'll post the vid.

One thing I love about music, is that, sorry for sounding extremely cliché, but it's true. most songs do have a story behind them. listening to Lovers in Japan reminds me of driving to Montreal to see Radiohead, eb & I must have listened to it a hundred times. the first time he showed me it, he asked me to guess what band it was during the intro piano. I said "It's Coldplay, I could tell by how over produced it sounds."

I told eb that I got him a Beck vinyl for christmas, and he was incredibly excited. I miss that kid, more than anything. I miss grade ten already, and all the friendships that came out of that year. already this year is complicated. if I only have two more years of high school left, I want them to be fun, not sorting through who I'm cool with and who I'm not cool with.

it's been 306 day since I fell in love with him, and I can honestly say, since then I haven't about that day for more than thirty seconds at a time. when I do, it feels like my stomach was at the bottom of a taaaaaaaaall cliff, and someone dropped a heavy rock right on top of it. one day I will be over him, and it'll just be a great memory. right now it's too painful to even bother.

I think leaving his house was problably the best thing I've done in a long time. anything that leaves me sticking in his mind is a good thing, right?

also, I finally got winamp to work again. oh, glorious day!

I saw the face of

once upon a time, I was a gaiafag, and was known as a music forum regular, of "mf reg". the forum is mostly repeat threads, countless threads of young gaians professing their love to whatever was popular at the moment, and a lot of threads of just, pointless waste and trolling. some people were cool though, and I was just thinking of a former mf reg, who I can't even remember the name of now, asked me if I was named after The Pixies' song 'Allison'. at the time, I only heard hey, and where is my mind? and the fact that they had a song called allison just seemed like the neatest thing, so I gave it a listen. (and by the way, I was named after the elvis costello song, not the pixies song. still cool, right?)

I don't know why I'm writing about it, I was just thinking about it. I'll post a youtube vid of it.

oh! also, I started my christmas shopping already! I got my friend eb some sweet, vinyls. I got him Explosions in the Sky's The Earth is Not a Cold, Dead Place, and also Beck's Modern Guilt. both solid albums, and it's going to take a loooot of willpower to give 'em up.

want to know how I spent my thanksgiving?
watching an eight hour Seinfeld marathon.

I love it when my brother is drunk.
he's so affectionate, and demands me to play MGMT.

why does he have to cheer me uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuup

okay, this post is going to sound weird.

no matter how badly I talk of coldplay, or how boring I find listening to an album of theirs is, whenever I listen to the scientist, it just makes me feel so happy. it reminds me of everyone who is important in my life.

it's just weird, because it's, well, a coldplay song.

also, I can't stop listening to Metal Guru, by TRex.

why is he so cuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuute

it's been 303 days since I've been in love with him.
status: hurtin' like a biznatch.

also, tomorrow i'm going to start a human experiment. I've done many before, and they're not done to accomplish something. I just want to see if I can do it. like the time I didn't eat meat for a month, or the time I wore a bracelet for a whole year, or the time.. well, I forget right now. but I thought of an excellent one that I will attempt tomorrow.

right now, a nap sounds beautiful. i'm still shaking off the tiredness of the midnight showing of freddy vs. jason on friday.

There's this girl I work with, and she's possibly the most intimidating person I've ever met. She makes coffee so fast, and, well.. overall she's the fastest worker I've ever seen at a Tim Hortons. but it's not only that, she's also so, I don't know how to describe it.. maybe, bitchy?
yeah, I guess that's acceptable. Just today, a car lingered in front of the speaker a little longer than needed, and she practically screamed "advance to the window" to the poor elderly man. She likes to mutter rude things under her breath and use sarcasm as much as possible, but no one says anything because she's the best thing to happen to our tim hortons.
I don't know why I'm talking about this, it's just been bugging me for a while.

Work isn't as bad as it used to be. It used to be the most emotionally and physically painful thing in the world for me, but now it's not that.. well, extreme. It's just weird to think that I've been there for over a year.

also, the baker I worked with today said the most amazing thing to me today. she looked at me, and she just said "you're going to do something with your life. something big, something great. you're possibly the smartest seeming teenager I've met in a long time, and I bet when you look in the mirror, you know who your are". she also said I was pleasant to work with, yay!
I wish I could agree with her, but I thought it was the nicest thing ever.

oh, also I'm in love with this song.

I've always been the kind of person that's wanted to keep a blog.

The reasons, kind of unclear. It's kind of, really, not really, but maybe a silly thing to want, a blog. A way the whole generally public can peer into your very uninteresting life, no matter how many pretentious words and deep, profound sayings you can pack into 'er.
Then again, I've always wanted to seem deep and profound, I've always been somewhat impressed with the vocabulary of first year students at some arts school.
Then I wonder if it just comes naturally.

oh, well.