ever since I adopted this new attitude, I feel amazing all of the time.
I don't feel like I should be mad at anyone, I just live life. and I realize that life is good, even when things don't go my way.

I did not win the speech competition, and that's okay; the ones that won were way too good. immediately after the speeches were over, a judge came up to me and said I did wonderfully, and that he wanted to see me there next year. I just had a problem with speaking too fast, and this is true. either way, I was still glad to hear it.
the point here is, I don't care that I didn't win.

I got new glasses (I hope they become ready soon!), I have great friends, I start my driver's training tomorrow, life is in motion and I'm loving it.

I have an actual speech competition in two hours.
ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

I don't feel like fucking up, but I know I will. I am me.

horoscopes are scarily accurate at this one site my friend goes to.
but, they're generic, which means that anyone can relate, right? right?!

"Don't focus your thoughts on the one that got away. It was not meant to be.
You have a great future in store for you, so start enjoying everything life has to offer."

aw fuckit.
of course I hung out with him today, how could I resist? he asked, brought along a dude who is also an old friend o' mine, it was going to be fun, fun, fun. I accepted the offer, squee'd, danced a little, jumped up and down, checked myself in the mirroir a dozen times, sat, waited.

and of course I fucked it up! of course I was awkward, of course I didn't contribute to conversation, of course! what is my problem? I used to, or am I still? in love with this guy, I don't even fucking know, am I? I don't want to be, fucking fuck I am a happy person, life is great, life is amazing, I have good friend and more than I'll ever need, WHY do things so trivial and small HAVE to come from towns two hours away AND make me think over things THAT I really don't want to thing about LIKE how I'll never be good enough TO impress the person I really want to impress AND that I am a quiet, boring young child?
I am a semi smart, reasonably lucky girl, I don't need to take that shit.

lets just say, everyone has their kryptonite.

this post, it's filled with so much teen angst. but you know what? I am a teen, I have angst.

with a little help from some girl talk and the odd presense of actual studying, grade 11, though one of the toughest and emotionally straining, was also by far the quickest of the grades.
summer is coming, hopefully it will be good, and full of travel as intended.
some of the seniors will be missed, but for the vast majority, please move on and leave so I can take your spot.
grade 12 will be the best and worst year yet, and I am fully ready to embrace it.

I'm sick to a degree where I had to leave work.
I have never done that before, and quite frankly, I'm disappointed in myself.
lets hope it goes away before oratory regionals.

my throat, it burns.

Sunday night was amazing, spending the whole day with a "few cool people", cruising and parks ice cream, getting to know each other better, macdonalds caesar salads and stalkers in newcastler subdivisions.
and since then I spent every night with him, and yeah. I'm smitten.
Lets not dance around this subject, he's exactly what I need now.
Praying to god nothing fucks it up.
(something always does)
(but it's okay)
(...)

When formal came around this year, I was just feeling nostalgic, feeling as if things shouldn't of been over, and the memories of the previous year were way too evident.
I was a bitch that wouldn't give a chance, basically.
It's been months and months since then, I stopped looking at faults and looked at the positive side.

It's great, because it's something to think about when I feel my academic career flush down the loo. Nearly, very very nearly failed an important Physics test (science nerd? not anymore you're not, vectors don't like dat), guessed questions on a semi important Quadratics test, and MacBeth? Fuck right off. Or, at least make yourself seem a lot clearer.
(sparknotes dot com?)

I also have to take this opportunity to (once again) apologize for my sporadic posting; I love you blogspot xoxox lets never fight again.

work + school + social life (gasp!) - free time = me.

this month is stress city!!!
working on weekends, speech competitions, boys n' jazz, osheaga tickets, europe payments, not spending money, macbeth?, canadian history (oh lord smite me now)

the cool thing about all this is, I think I can handle it.

I'm so bored with living; my social life is dead, dead, dead.
"Can I go nowhere with you?"
There's nothing to do, nothing to achieve. the school year is almost over, I'm broke, and my house is too overcrowded.
"Can I tag along tonight? We'll kill some time"
There's nothing to even think about anymore, my future isn't as exciting as it used to be and thoughts of him have left almost completely.
I am THAT bored.
I need to either:
a) do something that changes my daily routine
b) find a new and exciting hobby
c) party like it's '99.


also, if there is a god, may he grant me two shiny brand new tickets to Osheaga Music Festival.
..also world peace.

things don't feel real lately.

for some reason, I feel uneasy; I have an odd sense of accomplishment, but yet it all seems fake and undeserving.

I'm curing this with listening to the cheesiest 80s songs ever.
look at this mixtape:

don't stop believin' - journey
take me home tonight - eddie money
take on me - a-ha
livin' on a prayer - bon jovi
come sail away - styx
need you tonight - inxs
(I used to think styx and inxs were the same band. mind you I was like, seven.)
dancing in the dark - bruce springsteen
can't fight this feeling - reo speedwagon
here I go again - whitesnake
money for nothing - dire straights
karma chameleon - culture club
jessie's girl - rick springfield (swoon)
land down under - men at work
africa - toto
safety dance - men without hats

I almost put lionel richie's 'hello'.. but, no.. no thanks.

hey faithful blog readers, lets watch this and get obsessed with it.
I needed a new show anyway.

hey faithful blog readers, lets watch this and get obsessed with it.
I needed a new show anyway.

I want to post a big, emotionally blog post, filled with all the events and feelings of the past week.
Then, I click new post.
My mind goes blank; I have been blank for what seems like the longest time. I haven't been sad, I haven't been happy. I haven't been going out and having fun, but I haven't been in the house wasting away.
What have I been doing? I only remember writing my Canadian History essay.
Oh, will someone please deliver me from this funk, I am so tired of just existing. I need a night of complete and total fun, something I haven't had since long before november. er, I think.
oh god, how can I not remember?
when I think of fun, my mind can only wander to the day before I left for New York; getting stitches and switching digits. swimmin' in the river and swimmin' in the pool. I discovered that one can eat ice cream with fries. staring contests, dr.losier t-shirts.
sigh, those days are so far away now. why do people have to:
a) move to university towns
b) start doing drugs and start dating boys from bon(er lololol)ar law, or
c) try to become the supreme ruler of the universe
I want someone to do nothing with me. maybe I do need a boyfriend; I'll start considering it.


oh; on a completely and totally unrelated note, I introduced a friend to Ben's for the first time last night. I will miss this town, but not enough for me to linger.

my speech is slightly on the shitacular side. just a warning in advance to all of those who just so happen to be in my english class; don't get your hopes up. they will be crushed.

thank you thank you THANK you thank YOU thank you thaaaank you thank you god or whatever is out there!

ignorance is bliss, it really is.