sometimes I'm tired of holding myself back. I never thought it would be a problem to over analyze things. I refrain from saying what I really want, because my head says that logically it could only lead to more problems, even if it would feel so so good to say it. this is why I never tell anyone off. this is why I never tell the people I have feelings for, that well, I have feelings for them. then eventually I feel like I miss opportunities and will never get another chance to say these things again. this makes me feel like a spineless pushover. one day I'll get the confidence to say what I feel, but right now, hiding from my heart seems like the only logical answer.

"you leave your drink around me, believe your drink gon get drunk up"

days just pass by too fast and too slow at the same time. I wake up, the morning goes by so fast. I go to school, each class seems to take forever for the bell to ring, but yet by the end of the day I ask where has the time gone. it doesn't make sense to me either.
I'm tired of comparing myself to others. I feel so inferior to a lot of people in my english and math classes, and it's a weird feeling that I'm just not used to. My self esteem is taking blow after blow, and trying really hard, but yet nothing changes. I'm just not as good as I used to be.

but look at the positive!
I feel great, I changed my eating habits, and I've never felt better. I'm never tired, I always have energy, I never feel bloated. It's something I can definately get used to.

I do have moments where everything feels okay. I hang out with someone that I genuinely like, and everything feels okay. We talk about music, and music makes me feel okay. I do my homework, and it's easy and done, I feel okay. I feel in control. Sometimes I feel good, sometimes I feel great. It's not all bad. I overdramatize everything. Sometimes things are decent, things are excellent. Maybe it all isn't so bad, maybe the bad just overshadows the good, to a point where the good is hardly seen. Maybe all we need is a flashlight.

I feel like such a failure at everything I was once good at. It seems like the only thing I can do decently these days is making coffee.

I missed this feeling. the feeling of discovering something new. the feeling of being superior for a microsecond. the feeling of never wanting to stop listening to something. the feeling of hope.
where have I been all of this time? where was I hiding, I had so much free time, yet accomplished nothing.

it feels like the only thing I enjoy listening to lately is cookiecutter pop. what is this, grade nine? I try to mend my broken heart with shallow and relateable lyrics?

yeah, sounds right.

Right now, I'm listening to ABBA.

right now I'm sort of out of my slump and I'm socializing again and I feel like I can do what I love again. I work hard and I try to occupy my time, and I try to find opportunties to hang out with people, even when I'm shut down, I'm trying not to worry too much about the future, I'm trying to love myself, I'm trying harder than I've ever tried before, it's so hard to be pleasent sometimes, but I'm trying.

Where are those happy days, they seem so hard to find
I tried to reach for you, but you have closed your mind

I keep making these crazy schemes and neat things to do, but I end up getting way too lazy and unmotivated to them, and it just makes me feel worse about myself, but I try so hard, but I just can't anymore. I don't know why, but I love to sleep, even though sometimes it's hard to fall into a sort of comfortable slumber.

I wish I understood
It used to be so nice, it used to be so good

most of all I just feel so down because I put all of my feelings toward one person, and I just feel so shut down. I hate this feeling, and I haven't felt like this in a long, long time. I keep feeling this sharp twang under my ribcage, and it will not go away, but it only appears when it enters my mind, and it enters my mind so, so often.

When youre gone
How can I even try to go on?

the beauty of music; you can find any lyric or song relateable.

last night I obtained vodka and went to a friend's house, in hopes that I'd get smashed. when I got there, all hopes of getting incredibly hammed were dashed; I just did not feel like it. so instead I sipped coolers and stayed on someone's laptop, hoping that he would talk to me. feeling slightly tipsy left me feeling slightly more confident, which left me slightly more at ease to talk about my feelings (I had no trouble telling my whole life story to brittany, a girl I have never even talked to before), but he did not, making me feel sick, and not from vodka shots, mind you.

I've been attempting to write this essay since three oclock (it is now seven), and I barely wrote one page. I have no interest in writing a research essay on remembrance, and having no motivation leads to writers' block, which will lead to me sitting in front of this computer all night. being unable to write a school assignment is weird, because I recently acquired my love of writing in my free time again. sigh; of course it wouldn't benefit me in the real world. now only to get my love of music and reading back, and I'll feel normal, and maybe not as depressed and heartbroken.

Update: it is now 9:46, I have finished the essay, and it is three pages double spaced. I am truly a pathetic individual.

oh darling, when you hear me

so, it's like this.
lately I just feel embarassed and stupid and ugly.
those who know me, know why.
and quite frankly, I have to get over this, and as soon as possible.

so I have to start:
- downloading more music
- reading more music
- doing more homework
- thinking positively
- stop thinking about him and his amazingness
- start christmas shopping
- make up with all the girls that are hatin' on me

so I've been listening to this to make me feel better:

You needed me when you were crying,
But now you're laughing I'm the last thing on your mind.
First you love me, then you don't.
I'm up and down,
Like a yo-yo.
Yo-yo.

Ah, you thought you knew me pretty well,
But with people like me you never can tell.
You can only guess which way I'll go.
You got me sussed, but you don't know,
I'm a yo-yo.
Just like a yo-yo on a string.

what. the. fuck.

I've never been so lonely in my entire life.
when she told me that "university would be horrible if I didn't have all my friends," is immediately made me scared for the future.
I hate being compared.
and I hate how I couldn't even talk, be around, or even look at him the whole night. will I ever be over him? possibly. do I want to be? I don't think so.

"Where'd you park the car?"

.. did I do something wrong?

today, I was so moody. I went from being so sad, to being so giddy, to being so snappy. I blame me being a teenager, and my questionable report card.
also, spaz spaz spaz. he is so cute, and is has found a way to contact me through three internet sources. god, I love him.

have you ever seen someone for only a brief moment, then asked yourself if you could spend the rest of your life with them? I do all the time.
working today, I was doing some random task, and observing the customers being served. there was this one yuppie looking guy on a cell phone, and looked pretentious and arrogant. As I rolled my eyes and continued with my task, this little boy comes in, yelling 'daddy!' and runs up the the suit, in which he immediately slaps his cell phone shut and picks up his kid, giving all his undivided attention to him while he waited for his bagel. I don't know why, but I thought it was so sweet.

We haven't talked since thanksgiving and yet I can't go a span of ten minutes without thinking about him. I am truly, a pathetic individual.