the days of neutrality continue to come.
I had to work today, today being halloween, but we got to dress up and it was fun and young males gave me big tips which made me feel special for a few tenths of seconds. Then I remember about my math mark and the big research paper I have to write in english. Then I think about the two really nice comments left on my lastFM page, then I think of my best friend choosing other best friends over me, nearly all of the time, but then I think I have things going to smoothly for me lately, that I shouldn't even care about the small stuff. It's all small stuff; I read that on a book cover once.

attractive CD store guy went through the drive through and left me a two dollar tip. :3

things are going decent. decent, decent, it's always decent. things never suck, I'm never incredibly sad anymore; which, of course, is awesome to the nth degree. The thing is, I'm never incredibly happy anymore. I'm so incredibly neutral, and I just.. don't know what to feel. but, I guess that's alright, right?
I got most of my midterm marks. I got 95's or higher in all of my classes, minus math, which I'm struggling in, for some inexplicable reason. It's incredibly frustrating, considering I understand everything completely. The class is incredibly reliant on test marks though, and I just choke on all these tests, and I don't know why. I'm not failing though, which is good right? see? neutral.
I'm just refusing to comment on the friend situation and the love situation. it's just so neutral. I have friends, we hang out, but yet I still feel lonely, but not. neutral. I'm still in love with someone who barely cares but it's my fault because I won't do anything about it. neutral. everything is so neutral, I can't be sad or happy about anything. also, has the word neutral lost any meaning for you guys too? overusing a word is not a great idea.

I did get the new Chuck Klosterman book, Downtown Owl. His first novel, and it's totally boss, I'm sucked in already (although, the part of the book with Horace's point of view is not as interesting as the other two, which is a bit of a problem)

it's 2 am, and things are looking (somewhat) up, but I still have this odd feeling in my stomach that everything is just going to blow up in my face. I hate this.

I haven't been this stressed out in ages. I feel like I'm dying.

I haven't been this stressed out in ages. I feel like I'm dying.

when I have a good conversation with him, it makes me feel so happy. it's weird relying on one person to affect your mood.

I spent all afternoon walking up and down town, and buying posters on eBay. oops? I am such a procrastiator, and this english project is not going to finish itself.

I can't stop listening to this song, though. Kinda unexpected from me, ain't it?

I used him as a distraction from the person I really love, and now he's got a girlfriend, and that doesn't make me sad over him. It makes me sad over the person I wanted to hide my feelings from.

Also, I realized I base way too much of my self worth on my academic marks.

I miss Montreal more than anything

no one is happy anymore, and I have no happy to feed off of. if everyone is telling me how badly their life is going, what can I do? I can't help everyone, and I have my own life to deal with. I need a teenager help manual or something.

no is happy anymore, and I have no happy to feed off of. if everyone is telling me how badly their life is going, what can I do? I can't help everyone, and I have my own life to deal with. I need a teenager help manual or something.

I broke my brain today, I apologize to anyone who had to witness it.

one conversation can change your life, and your future. I experienced that today.

I don't think I'll ever fall out of love with him, anytime soon anyway. no matter how much I try to distract myself with silly boys, weekends, school and coffee making.
I'll never be good enough.

I spent the money my grandmother gave me on alcohol. the world is a weird, weird place.

when you're home alone, all the normal noises sound ten times scarier. it's like an adventure.

also, I heard this song for the first time today.
I've never related to a song this much before.

cup on counter. sugar, cream. pour. stir. snap lid. pass. repeatrepeatrepeat.
it seems my job gets more and more stressful everyday. I burnt my thumb today. then fantasized about taking all the pots, and letting them smash all over the floor. the thought of it gives me shivers.

eb is going to dal. when he told me, I went to biology class with the biggest smile on my face. I can't believe I doubted him.

this song was stuck on my head all day. mott the hoople, and it's a song that isn't All The Young Dudes!

I feel sick and dying but at the same time I feel fine but I just don't know what to do to keep my mood constant anymore I go from being happy to being depressed to being content to being hopeless and the slightest thing can change it.
shopping is always such a drag lately. you try to act above it, you really try, and it just doesn't work sometimes. I'm always there for my friends when they feel shitty about themselves but how can it be honest when I don't even feel that great about MYself, I hate myself and the way I look I always have, I can't fool myself anymore.
oh internet, you're getting quite the load of teen angst.
okay, fine. I apologize, but seriously.

also, how hard is it to buy a copy of Mean Girls in this town? I was in zellers, and I bought a DVD at the entertainment centre, or whatever that lil' section is called, and this older woman storms in and is like "IS THERE ANYMORE OF THIS? HUH?" holding a large package of toilet paper, obviously trying to find a deal she found in this weeks flier. the poor cashier, she was so nice, and told her to check the end of the aisle but she thought it was all sold out, and that woman gave the most evil glare I have ever seen in a middle aged, overweight woman eyes. She didn't deserve that, none of us deserved that. Working in the service industry is horrible and desensitizing. I couldn't look in the CD store for the dvd I wanted, Attractive CD Store guy was skulking about in there, and I felt so sorry for myself and just lost all the usual confidence I have when I see ACDSG.

I bought a necklace. I already have my formal dress for this year. It's honestly the cutest dress I have ever, ever worn. Lets hope there's no repeat of next year, where in the span of one week I find out I'm forced to go, forced to find a dress, forced to find all this money, I didn't have a hair appointment or anything, I felt so underdressed and horrific.

Have you ever stared at a big bin of bargain DVDs, ones you've never heard before, horrible covers and names, ones sold for 2.99, have you ever looked at those and wondered if the best movie you could ever watch is in there? Have you ever looked at a pile of DVDs, looked at the little tags that are on the front, that tell you the price, then think of how many the store must has to print annually? How many trees it takes, how much glue? I do all the time.

oh god, why do I post personal things on the internet?
I'm an idiot sometimes, but I'm way past caring at this point.

"just like a dozen refers to twelve things, one mole refers to 6.02 x 10 to the power of 23 things!"
oh, I love chemistry class so much.

today I spent all of lunch reading the new cosmo aloud to my friend, reading the steamiest and naughtiest things in a sultry, overexaggerated voice. it's really the way to go. I then got kv to read it in chemistry class, and he was shocked. overall, today was successful, despite having Lovers in Japan stuck in my head. here, I'll post the vid.

One thing I love about music, is that, sorry for sounding extremely cliché, but it's true. most songs do have a story behind them. listening to Lovers in Japan reminds me of driving to Montreal to see Radiohead, eb & I must have listened to it a hundred times. the first time he showed me it, he asked me to guess what band it was during the intro piano. I said "It's Coldplay, I could tell by how over produced it sounds."

I told eb that I got him a Beck vinyl for christmas, and he was incredibly excited. I miss that kid, more than anything. I miss grade ten already, and all the friendships that came out of that year. already this year is complicated. if I only have two more years of high school left, I want them to be fun, not sorting through who I'm cool with and who I'm not cool with.

it's been 306 day since I fell in love with him, and I can honestly say, since then I haven't about that day for more than thirty seconds at a time. when I do, it feels like my stomach was at the bottom of a taaaaaaaaall cliff, and someone dropped a heavy rock right on top of it. one day I will be over him, and it'll just be a great memory. right now it's too painful to even bother.

I think leaving his house was problably the best thing I've done in a long time. anything that leaves me sticking in his mind is a good thing, right?

also, I finally got winamp to work again. oh, glorious day!

I saw the face of

once upon a time, I was a gaiafag, and was known as a music forum regular, of "mf reg". the forum is mostly repeat threads, countless threads of young gaians professing their love to whatever was popular at the moment, and a lot of threads of just, pointless waste and trolling. some people were cool though, and I was just thinking of a former mf reg, who I can't even remember the name of now, asked me if I was named after The Pixies' song 'Allison'. at the time, I only heard hey, and where is my mind? and the fact that they had a song called allison just seemed like the neatest thing, so I gave it a listen. (and by the way, I was named after the elvis costello song, not the pixies song. still cool, right?)

I don't know why I'm writing about it, I was just thinking about it. I'll post a youtube vid of it.

oh! also, I started my christmas shopping already! I got my friend eb some sweet, vinyls. I got him Explosions in the Sky's The Earth is Not a Cold, Dead Place, and also Beck's Modern Guilt. both solid albums, and it's going to take a loooot of willpower to give 'em up.

want to know how I spent my thanksgiving?
watching an eight hour Seinfeld marathon.

I love it when my brother is drunk.
he's so affectionate, and demands me to play MGMT.

why does he have to cheer me uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuup

okay, this post is going to sound weird.

no matter how badly I talk of coldplay, or how boring I find listening to an album of theirs is, whenever I listen to the scientist, it just makes me feel so happy. it reminds me of everyone who is important in my life.

it's just weird, because it's, well, a coldplay song.

also, I can't stop listening to Metal Guru, by TRex.

why is he so cuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuute

it's been 303 days since I've been in love with him.
status: hurtin' like a biznatch.

also, tomorrow i'm going to start a human experiment. I've done many before, and they're not done to accomplish something. I just want to see if I can do it. like the time I didn't eat meat for a month, or the time I wore a bracelet for a whole year, or the time.. well, I forget right now. but I thought of an excellent one that I will attempt tomorrow.

right now, a nap sounds beautiful. i'm still shaking off the tiredness of the midnight showing of freddy vs. jason on friday.

There's this girl I work with, and she's possibly the most intimidating person I've ever met. She makes coffee so fast, and, well.. overall she's the fastest worker I've ever seen at a Tim Hortons. but it's not only that, she's also so, I don't know how to describe it.. maybe, bitchy?
yeah, I guess that's acceptable. Just today, a car lingered in front of the speaker a little longer than needed, and she practically screamed "advance to the window" to the poor elderly man. She likes to mutter rude things under her breath and use sarcasm as much as possible, but no one says anything because she's the best thing to happen to our tim hortons.
I don't know why I'm talking about this, it's just been bugging me for a while.

Work isn't as bad as it used to be. It used to be the most emotionally and physically painful thing in the world for me, but now it's not that.. well, extreme. It's just weird to think that I've been there for over a year.

also, the baker I worked with today said the most amazing thing to me today. she looked at me, and she just said "you're going to do something with your life. something big, something great. you're possibly the smartest seeming teenager I've met in a long time, and I bet when you look in the mirror, you know who your are". she also said I was pleasant to work with, yay!
I wish I could agree with her, but I thought it was the nicest thing ever.

oh, also I'm in love with this song.

I've always been the kind of person that's wanted to keep a blog.

The reasons, kind of unclear. It's kind of, really, not really, but maybe a silly thing to want, a blog. A way the whole generally public can peer into your very uninteresting life, no matter how many pretentious words and deep, profound sayings you can pack into 'er.
Then again, I've always wanted to seem deep and profound, I've always been somewhat impressed with the vocabulary of first year students at some arts school.
Then I wonder if it just comes naturally.

oh, well.