I. am. STRESSING.

but it is a-ok! (I think) (maybe not) (...)

I was thiiiiiiiiiis close to deleting this blog today.

but alas, I did not! and never will! how could I? I looked through the archieve, and each blog post that I made in the past had an emotion to them that I completely forgot I felt at that time. It was refreshing, reliving my happy moments and my depressing moments of the past year; it was just what I needed.

I am stuck in a sort of rut. At the very first of this school year, I attempted to change my life for the better; I started going to the gym, started to work more, study more, eat better, walk to school, blah blah etc. I even started saving my money. and theeeeen it rained out one day, so I got a drive to school. theeeeen my friends went to mcdonalds, so I did too. theeeeeeen I got a 65 on my trig quiz. now I have absolutely no money in the bank with hardly anything to show for it.
I AM A MESS.
although, I must say, I dress a lot better than I did last year.

no one blogs anymore.

I have the last surviving blog amongst my circle of friends/acquaintances, or so it seems. Don't fear, I have not given up, I just merely went on a summer long hiatus, so I could focus on finishing my summer list. Despite this, the list was not as successful as I thought. Lets go through my progress, shall we?

This is what I accomplished:
Bought a ukulele, bought a desk, made lots of money, enjoy europe, buy cool & random trickets during my travels, take a picture of myself holding up the leaning tower of pisa, buy a cute bathing suit (baby blue with white polka dots, could it get any cuter?), clean out my room (much to the dismay of my allergies), get drunk, hang out with people I haven't hung out with in a while, fall in love with montreal again, see as many bands as possible at osheaga, invent a cool new donut, think of epic hangman topics, take ridiculous pictures, buy a new camera, hang out at a playground, discover what my drink is (mm vodka), buy a mcgill sweater, fall asleep outside, attempt to update my wardrobe, buy new shoes, go tubing, have a bonfire AND see transformers 2 in theatres.

now, it seems like a lot! but really, I only completed HALF of my entire list.

I still have not driven my bike, got my license, learned how to cook, learned new songs on the piano, read a few books, give up tim hortons food, lose a couple pounds, get into a new routine, donate my unused clothes, go on a roadtrip, buy jeans, go to magic mountain, buy a record player, activate my cell phone, do anything related to gaby's cafe, go yardsaling, or watch cheesy movies with julia.

I find this sad, but looking over my list once again, I left a few things unnoticed.
a) I did indeed watch Rushmore.
b) I discovered and fell in love with some new artists (Kid Cudi, Pheonix, Ladyhawke, Chairlift, m83, Ezra Thurman & the Harpoons, Frightened Rabbit, Florence & the Machine)
c) I had multiple blasts from the pasts, nothing of huge significance but they still existed!
d) As far as deciding my future goes, I have a clear path of what I want to accomplish, and there's still time to finalize minor details!
e) I did study a few of my notes, really, I did!
f) and for sure, I spent most of my time with tyler, who will be leaving me too, too soon.

that bring my total up to 31/50!
not too shabby!
hopefully next summer I can accomplish even more.

everybody's doing it

LAST UPDATED AUGUST 14TH

My list of 50 things I want to accomplish this summer (09)

(I will be crossing them off as I go now. Yay!)

1. Buy a ukulele
2. Drive my bike more
3. Obtain my License
4. Buy a desk
5. Learn how to cook
6. Learn a new song on the piano
7. Read a couple books
8. Makes lot of money
9. Give up Tim Hortons food
10. Lose a couple pounds
11. Enjoy europe
12. Buy a cool, random trinket during my travels
13. Take a picture of me attempting to hold up the leaning tower of Pisa
(for example: Click this.)
14. Buy a cute bathing suit
15. Get my life back into an orderly routine
16. Clean out my room
17. Donate my unused clothes
18. Go on a roadtrip
19. Attempt to update my warbrobe
20. Buy more pairs of jeans
21. Spend as much time with Tyler as possible
22. Get drunk (hopefully more than once)
23. Go to Magic Mountain
24. Decide my future
25. Study my past Biology + Chemistry notes
26. Hang out with people that I haven't hung around with in a while
27. Fall in love with Montreal .. again
28. See as many bands as I can at Osheaga
29. Invent a cool, new Donut
30. Think of epic hangman topics
31. Take ridiculous pictures (golden retriever anyone?)
32. Buy a new camera
33. Hang out at a playground (preferably St.Andrews)
34. Buy a record player
35. Discover what my "drink" is
36. Activate my cell phone
37. Buy a McGill sweater
38. Write a script for "Colleen & Tabitha"
39. Hang out at Gaby's Cafe more, and seem as pretentious as possible
40. Discover more artists
41. Watch "Rushmore"
42. Fall asleep outside
43. Buy a new pair of shoes
44. Go yardsaleing
45. Go tubing
46. Have a bonfire
47. Watch really cheesy movies with Julia
48. See Transformers 2 in theatres
49. Have a blast from the past
50. Have a shit load of motherfucking fun


25/50.. HALF WAY!... but there's only a few days left. er?

I'm not lying when I say this!
If I had a ukulele, all of my problems would be solved!

yayayayayay.

yesterday was terrible, going into that english exam. I knew I guessed a good handful of the multiple choice, and my essays were teeeeeeeerrible!
not so great.

today: math exam.
since I was exempt, there was no stress, and I walked through that test like a stroll through the garden
(I'm ashamed to admit I had fun doing it).
if it doesn't improve my mark, who cares. all I know is that it won't make it go down.

insert smiley face here:
:)

"before you my life felt depressing and useless. Like not suicidal or anything but I really felt I had no point in doing anything. Now I feel so good all the time because I know that I have you by my side. I love you and nothing else matters."

it's worth procrastinating on your end of your essay to see something like that.
I'd say.

the weeks of delirous, oblivious happiness are over.

please, listen.
I don't feel superior. Don't say I am.
I miss you all.
Please ignore my grumpy mannerisms.
I don't want to ignore you guys anymore.
I'm scared.
Scared of being insulted.
Scared of being rejected.
I'm also scared of what's to come.
What if no one is left?
I don't feel independant anymore.
I feel more pressure.
I am in love,
though.
But goddamn, what happens when
that wears out?
Why can't I ever live in the present?
Why was he so 'happy for me!' when he found out about him?
What is so wrong with me?
Why are so many people making horrible assumptions?

three more days until I am officially a senior.
goddamn, I'm getting old.

isn't that awesome?

first, I must struggle through a couple english projects.

oh dear.
ooooooooooh dear.
I just don't know what to do with myself, my room is a mess, my friendships are a mess and my mind is a mess; it's so hard to sort through the mismatched socks.

oooooooooooooooooooh damn.
exhaustion, it hits.

I have yet to start my lotf project(s), and the looming test in math class is making me completely and throughly worried.
fingers crossed, fingers bleeding.
after a good two weeks without sleeping it.. I can definately say that I am looking very forward to sunday, despite the fact that I work that day.
It never ends! (but it will end) (hopefully)
Here I am, sitting and waiting for the Drivers' Training car to arrive, begging to god that it goes by fast, because I am in for quite the night, a night I will hopefully enjoy, but there's a huge chance I may not whatsoever.

c'est la vie.
high school is almost over, only around 392 days.

stress is slowly subsiding.. sort of.

the end of the year is near.. only one more physics test, one more math test, and a whole mish mash of english projects to go.
apart from the english, it's really not that much. today, I had one of greatest sighs of relief that I ever had; I had finished my very last Canadian History project. After a whole term of mindnumbing, dry history projects, ones that took way too much research and too much time.. it's almost over! I'm not sure what's left to do in that class, but I know for sure another project will not be needed.

summer is coming, and I've never been so excited. A two week long venture to three european countries, a trip to montreal to see a music festival, working all summer long and makin' lots o' money, and not to mention I have an awesome boyfriend to hang out with during all the inbetweens. I have a feeling this will all go by so fast.

This weekend, I was so moody though. I don't understand why, sometimes it just happens? It felt like I was taking it out on everyone, and I wanted to do nothing else but nap; I even missed every single performance of the school's play (but I did not get in trouble for it.. huh).

only two more weeks of school, then a whole bunch-o exams, a prom to get through, and I'm done! oh, let the sunshine come!

I've just been so goddamn moody lately.

This is all I have to say for now, I apologize.

I just spent 11 hours at the school.
ELEVEN.
hours, at school.
on Victoria day.

I am drama crew member, I do small little things like painting n' similar stuff, and I can honestly say, I truly hate it.
The thing with this is, I feel like if I don't do it, then it will all be a waste, and if I stick with it, then it can only benefit me. You know, it is an extracurricular activity. In all fairness, anything that doesn't involve me sitting and doing next to nothing, is something I don't particularly enjoy. If I don't do these extracurriculars, then I could be missing out on something big.

everyone needs to have a balance, I guess.

I realized this quite a while ago, that I don't enjoying doing things. I don't like going out, I don't like bowling and I'm not the biggest fan of parties. I still do that sometimes, because I know better then that. My perfect day though, is me coming home from school, taking a nap and watching old reruns of tv sitcoms all night.

this does not make me a weird or unusual person; it is my preference.
I work hard at my job, and I work even harder at school (most of the time..), I always feel as if I deserve a nap once in a while.
I will take my cake and eat it too.

PS: I have to add this because well I just have to so deal with it.
I love my boyfriend like crazy whoa, and I have never gotten along better with anyone, ever.

something always goes wrong.

but instead of dwelling on those wrong things, I just focus on the incredibly awesome.
thankfully, there's a lot of incredibly awesome things these days.

ps. faithful blog readers (aka the two of you), lets hang.
I need more friendage in my life.

hidden messages.

[+]
I have a boyfriend.
Mhm, He loves me, I love him.
Somehow I feel closer to my friend then ever before.
Oo, Coming to school doesn't feel like a chore.
Happiness is summer being so close.
Ah, Everything feels right, even the bad.
Perhaps it's that I'm driving, and it gets easier and more fun every time.
Perhaps it's that there's a whole summer of music to look forward to.
Yep, I love waking up in the morning.

[-]
I am piss broke.
My trip to Europe? Still not paid off.
Something tells me that everything will blow up in my face.
Oh, my physics mark, please rise.
Why did I get a minus in math class today?
Only I could worry over the small things.
Really though, I still wonder who genuinely likes me.
Reality seems sort of hazy; oblivious to what's around me.
I'm just in a fog, a good fog though.
Every fog reduces visability though.
Despite how careful you drive, you could always crash.

breathe in, breathe out.

my incredibly large payment went through; thank goodness gracious, but I have a week to come up with 500 more, and this is just ridiculous.
pressure, pressure.

this weekend is a busy one, mainly doing work that I have no motivation to do. macbeth? art pictures? canadian history? yearbook page? quadruple ugh, but it has to be done. end of the year means crunch time.

I did have a semi good day though. productive lunch hour, nothing new learned in math, movie in english, finished-ish my art portrait, and I was a Bloc Quebecois in Can. History (Noel picked the three best students in the class.. yay! also, I didn't feel like an antisocial loser. always a plus, right?)
I also had an awkward altercation with a classmate, which was basically him walking behind me halfway home (I pretended not to notice), and then finally catching up to talk to me, resulting in me walking home with him. weirdness.

also, one more thing to add. hbd kayla! I know you have my blog url, so I must say, today was a fun day.

money; fuck dat shit.

I am quite simply too young for money troubles, and almost having my incredibly expensive trip that I've been paying for a good year and a half now almost cancel on me.. it was not a good feeling.
will these money woes continue throughout my life, or am I, for the most part, smartened up?
one will never know.
all I know is, europe, montreal, prom.. great life experiences, but my poor wallet.
it hurts so bad, give the poor thing a break.

I hope this train of awesome does not crash and burn anytime soon.
everywhere I turn, friends are there. I have him, and he makes me happy. I find it took me way too long to figure this out. I have so much to do, and so much to look forward to. I am keeping busy. I work, I have homework, I have sad moments, but as for right now, everything bad does not affect me. I hope I feel like this for a long, long time.

jealousy and teenage drama:
two things that used to make me worrysome, but now just bounce off me.

I've still never been happier in my entire life.

when he held my hand in the truck last night, it felt as if I was going to die from a cuteness overload. and when he asked me, there's no way I would have said no.

ever since I adopted this new attitude, I feel amazing all of the time.
I don't feel like I should be mad at anyone, I just live life. and I realize that life is good, even when things don't go my way.

I did not win the speech competition, and that's okay; the ones that won were way too good. immediately after the speeches were over, a judge came up to me and said I did wonderfully, and that he wanted to see me there next year. I just had a problem with speaking too fast, and this is true. either way, I was still glad to hear it.
the point here is, I don't care that I didn't win.

I got new glasses (I hope they become ready soon!), I have great friends, I start my driver's training tomorrow, life is in motion and I'm loving it.

I have an actual speech competition in two hours.
ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

I don't feel like fucking up, but I know I will. I am me.

horoscopes are scarily accurate at this one site my friend goes to.
but, they're generic, which means that anyone can relate, right? right?!

"Don't focus your thoughts on the one that got away. It was not meant to be.
You have a great future in store for you, so start enjoying everything life has to offer."

aw fuckit.
of course I hung out with him today, how could I resist? he asked, brought along a dude who is also an old friend o' mine, it was going to be fun, fun, fun. I accepted the offer, squee'd, danced a little, jumped up and down, checked myself in the mirroir a dozen times, sat, waited.

and of course I fucked it up! of course I was awkward, of course I didn't contribute to conversation, of course! what is my problem? I used to, or am I still? in love with this guy, I don't even fucking know, am I? I don't want to be, fucking fuck I am a happy person, life is great, life is amazing, I have good friend and more than I'll ever need, WHY do things so trivial and small HAVE to come from towns two hours away AND make me think over things THAT I really don't want to thing about LIKE how I'll never be good enough TO impress the person I really want to impress AND that I am a quiet, boring young child?
I am a semi smart, reasonably lucky girl, I don't need to take that shit.

lets just say, everyone has their kryptonite.

this post, it's filled with so much teen angst. but you know what? I am a teen, I have angst.

with a little help from some girl talk and the odd presense of actual studying, grade 11, though one of the toughest and emotionally straining, was also by far the quickest of the grades.
summer is coming, hopefully it will be good, and full of travel as intended.
some of the seniors will be missed, but for the vast majority, please move on and leave so I can take your spot.
grade 12 will be the best and worst year yet, and I am fully ready to embrace it.

I'm sick to a degree where I had to leave work.
I have never done that before, and quite frankly, I'm disappointed in myself.
lets hope it goes away before oratory regionals.

my throat, it burns.

Sunday night was amazing, spending the whole day with a "few cool people", cruising and parks ice cream, getting to know each other better, macdonalds caesar salads and stalkers in newcastler subdivisions.
and since then I spent every night with him, and yeah. I'm smitten.
Lets not dance around this subject, he's exactly what I need now.
Praying to god nothing fucks it up.
(something always does)
(but it's okay)
(...)

When formal came around this year, I was just feeling nostalgic, feeling as if things shouldn't of been over, and the memories of the previous year were way too evident.
I was a bitch that wouldn't give a chance, basically.
It's been months and months since then, I stopped looking at faults and looked at the positive side.

It's great, because it's something to think about when I feel my academic career flush down the loo. Nearly, very very nearly failed an important Physics test (science nerd? not anymore you're not, vectors don't like dat), guessed questions on a semi important Quadratics test, and MacBeth? Fuck right off. Or, at least make yourself seem a lot clearer.
(sparknotes dot com?)

I also have to take this opportunity to (once again) apologize for my sporadic posting; I love you blogspot xoxox lets never fight again.

work + school + social life (gasp!) - free time = me.

this month is stress city!!!
working on weekends, speech competitions, boys n' jazz, osheaga tickets, europe payments, not spending money, macbeth?, canadian history (oh lord smite me now)

the cool thing about all this is, I think I can handle it.

I'm so bored with living; my social life is dead, dead, dead.
"Can I go nowhere with you?"
There's nothing to do, nothing to achieve. the school year is almost over, I'm broke, and my house is too overcrowded.
"Can I tag along tonight? We'll kill some time"
There's nothing to even think about anymore, my future isn't as exciting as it used to be and thoughts of him have left almost completely.
I am THAT bored.
I need to either:
a) do something that changes my daily routine
b) find a new and exciting hobby
c) party like it's '99.


also, if there is a god, may he grant me two shiny brand new tickets to Osheaga Music Festival.
..also world peace.

things don't feel real lately.

for some reason, I feel uneasy; I have an odd sense of accomplishment, but yet it all seems fake and undeserving.

I'm curing this with listening to the cheesiest 80s songs ever.
look at this mixtape:

don't stop believin' - journey
take me home tonight - eddie money
take on me - a-ha
livin' on a prayer - bon jovi
come sail away - styx
need you tonight - inxs
(I used to think styx and inxs were the same band. mind you I was like, seven.)
dancing in the dark - bruce springsteen
can't fight this feeling - reo speedwagon
here I go again - whitesnake
money for nothing - dire straights
karma chameleon - culture club
jessie's girl - rick springfield (swoon)
land down under - men at work
africa - toto
safety dance - men without hats

I almost put lionel richie's 'hello'.. but, no.. no thanks.

hey faithful blog readers, lets watch this and get obsessed with it.
I needed a new show anyway.

hey faithful blog readers, lets watch this and get obsessed with it.
I needed a new show anyway.

I want to post a big, emotionally blog post, filled with all the events and feelings of the past week.
Then, I click new post.
My mind goes blank; I have been blank for what seems like the longest time. I haven't been sad, I haven't been happy. I haven't been going out and having fun, but I haven't been in the house wasting away.
What have I been doing? I only remember writing my Canadian History essay.
Oh, will someone please deliver me from this funk, I am so tired of just existing. I need a night of complete and total fun, something I haven't had since long before november. er, I think.
oh god, how can I not remember?
when I think of fun, my mind can only wander to the day before I left for New York; getting stitches and switching digits. swimmin' in the river and swimmin' in the pool. I discovered that one can eat ice cream with fries. staring contests, dr.losier t-shirts.
sigh, those days are so far away now. why do people have to:
a) move to university towns
b) start doing drugs and start dating boys from bon(er lololol)ar law, or
c) try to become the supreme ruler of the universe
I want someone to do nothing with me. maybe I do need a boyfriend; I'll start considering it.


oh; on a completely and totally unrelated note, I introduced a friend to Ben's for the first time last night. I will miss this town, but not enough for me to linger.

my speech is slightly on the shitacular side. just a warning in advance to all of those who just so happen to be in my english class; don't get your hopes up. they will be crushed.

thank you thank you THANK you thank YOU thank you thaaaank you thank you god or whatever is out there!

ignorance is bliss, it really is.

sigh, it's true. he doesn't care anymore, so I'm actually going to try. see if I can do it. but I'm not making promises.

I have too many worries (like speeches!) on my mind.
fuck.

I am eating sociables and chair dancing to 'Feed the Animals', just the way I like to wind down during a bittersweet snow day, after a weird and tedious weekend of driver's training, upset stomachs and horrible Nicolas Cage movies.

bring on the noize!

my old friend arn't there for me and I'm desperately searching for replacements. I don't want replacements. I shouldn't have to find replacements.
that's just messed up, man.
everything has a weird atmosphere to it, don't know if it's the melting snow or the ending school year, or the fact that this weekend I should write a speech, an essay and a million history questions, or maybe it's just that no one's there when I definately need someone and I'm unwillingly going on through my remaining teenage years independently and lonelier than ever.

turn, turn, turn, now straighten, oh god brake, brake.
yeah, driving.
it took me ten minutes to get used to how sensitive everything is. you barely press the pedal, but you turn the wheel so much?
oh well, no one's a jesus christ superstar when they first take the wheel.
at least I gave the senior citizens something to watch in their parking lot as I drove around in circles.

now, going in reverse, lets not go there.

kevin just posted an interesting blog.
truth be told, I was once the proud owner of an active cellular mobile device, buuuut, I felt I got too attached, plus the money spent on it was half ridiculous, so I didn't bother with it any more, and just let it go inactive.
nbd.
looking through my old, locked messages though, it really does remind me of times when things were aaaaaalright.

"if you're still awake, i just want to let you know, i love you so mucho, And id do anything for you xD <3"
when I recieved this message, it warmed my heart instantly, and now it just breaks it, realizing that I problably will never get this message from this gurl again.

"hey allison, what's happening?"
"Lol theres a porn on called the Davinci Load"
"I thought of you and I was like 'I should buy a Chuck Palahniuk book"
"Make It Wit Chu came on the radio and I thought of you"
these were all said by my gf nick, and he is so commonly referred to, and these all represent inside jokes and phases through our friendship. it feels like we never really get to talk much lately, and I hate that so, so much.

"my dad cant take us"
said by eric, over Montreal plans. just as bad as a txt msg brakeup. also, there is...
"come over and lets party!"
obviously said last year, because the last time I checked, I was not asked to hang out with this individual since, well.. before winter came. now winter is gone.

"Lol"
a message I recieved after I spent two, yes two! messages typing to the limit, telling someone how many people were at a get together I was attending. I hope someone reading this blog remembers that.

oh look, found one from kevin..
"mine was going to be YOU WANT A PIECE OF ME? with Britney in a kit kat costume. teehew"
hahah, the circumstances behind this text are completely unknown to me atm, but I'm assuming it had to do with GFA. also another thing I miss, the days when the Fashion Emergency reigned supreme.

now, on to the most heartbreaking ones.
"heart heart heart"
"good morning lovely"
and the list goes on and on and on...
sigh. last year was great, and I took it for granted.

good memories always leave a huge pain in the pit of my stomach.

I dream as big as I can and that's good and everything I've been told my whole life to dream big or don't dream at all etc etc cliche quotes thrown in my direction but it's true and I do and I expect a lot out of my life but I'm starting to think that if my life doesn't go where I want it to go I will be incredibly disappointed and it will be hard to get over it's not a small thing when your dream gets shattered so I'm trying to think of plan b plan c plan d and I don't think it feels right.

inhale, exhale.

real.

I came to an awesome revelation today; the cause of my teen angst and sadness is jealousy of everyone I know with seemingly perfect lives. In actuality, every day above ground is a good one.

yay!

now, onto driver's training. my first day was today, and I don't know about you guys, but I loved it. I was kind of skeptical entering the room, seeing kids my age, but no familiar faces, but some acquaintances came through the door after me, and everything seemed okay.
mavis makes me laugh. when she was starting the lesson on road signs, she stopped for a brief moment to ask,
"okay, who saw Slumdog Millionaire? wasn't that the best movie ever?"
I also befriended a girl from my school in a grade lower (I refuse to use actual names on my blog, something about it just feels creepy). oh, and kev, you're bff was there, haha we had a good chat about you.
ugh, I also drank 3 large teas in the span of five hours, and I felt like I was having a caffiene overdose (I just don't drink that much!).

this blog is scattered like my mind right now so coherency is not an option and fluency, psscht forget it, ya'll can handle this poorly written blog while I bask in the temporary happiness of buying a new and awesome coat! yay!

I am so grown up!

I filed my taxes, and the other day I got my tax check back, I'm going to learn how to drive this weekend, and today I'm going to go verify my passport, one that I compiled all by myself!

I'm just excited over my independence, keep moving, nothing to see here.

I am happiest when I am walking downtown by myself, I am happiest when I am with a few good friends, I am happiest when I prove to myself that I can really apply, I am happiest when I come through with a difficult task, I am happiest when things are simple and undramatic.

I can't wait to donate my hair, I can't wait to graduate and move on, I can't wait to see what happens next, I can't wait to see when important things will happen, I can't wait to drive, I can't wait to get my horrible report card, I can't wait for a lot of things.

I'm really in a glass half full mood.

sometimes just talking to him makes everything okay.

r-r-r-rewind.
back it up, I want to start all over.
not in the way you all think,
why didn't I try something different!
discouraging myself because my english teachers were subpar, I suppressed myself from writing, never challenging myself, passing in half assed assignments that would guarentee me an a+++.
now, desperately I wish I had quick wit and a wide vocabulary, which is seemingly nessicary for being a somewhat, half decent writer.

something tells me to drop this whole science, make-lots-of-money-lab-coat-house-by-the-river idea, and do something that'll take hard work and finding myself.

I am just too goddamn lazy.

when you try to please everyone, you end up pleasing no one. especially not yourself.
this is the story of my life; why is there always something wrong?

Please stop doing this to me; I only have a year and a few months left until I'm gone, I'm tired of always feeling miserable over things that don't matter whatsoever.

I'm studying a lot lately.
It's not like anyone really calls me to do anything else. Sort of bored.

march break r-r-r-recap.

and thus ends the longest, most depressing week of my life.
march break always ends like this.
I spent most of the week working, slaving away making coffee for slightly richer people preparing to leave for exotic locales like Florida and the Dominican. everyday was an uncomfortable amount of busy work, and I just grew tired within the first few hours of stepping onto the floor. lacking motivation.
I didn't really hang out, I didn't party, I didn't do any much needed cleaning or studying, I didn't have all that much fun.
but really, when do I ever?
for the most part, no one really contacted me. but should I be complaining, because I didn't go out of my way to contact others? I was just mostly upset about the fact that my supposed best guy friend did not say one word to me over the break, despite him seeming genuinely excited that we would be hanging out at least once. sometimes something small ruins everything else, what a horrible characteristic to hold.

I did spent three days in moncton. which was fun-ish.
when you go to an anime convention, you can only think thoughts that are strange. I couldn't help but think, how many people are having the best time of their life? how many of these kids get bullied regularly at school? will they amount to anything, or will they surpass us all? how many are virgins? have any of these guys been to an actual high school party, and do they really care? I love that they have their own way of living. By the end, I got really jealous, of how happy they were with only their own and their friends approval, not the approval of everyone around them. Do they act this eccentric all of the time, or only at this anime convention, where they are around people with similar interests? It's crazy, seeing all those people, so dedicated to one thing. The things they'd discuss went completely over my head, and I felt completely weirded out of feeling a pang of jealousy.

Before I left for the con, I did feel the lowest of the low. I had no reason to, I just felt tired. I was tired of working, tired of fighting with the same people, tired of him not loving me.
It's crazy, how one event can be so small and doesn't really matter to one person, like saying hi to an acquaintance as she works behind the counter, can make such a huge impact in someone's day, week, month, like seeing the person you have not stopped thinking about in well over a year, someone you have not seen in three months, someone who you would give a left kidney to impress. Too bad my face was completely red, and I was shaking, completely embarassing myself. one day...

Also, in Moncton, I felt a completely different kind of jealousy, one that left me with a horrible feeling of self loathing and hatred. Yes, I have gained a pound or two, something I don't really care about, until of course I am compared to someone else. It's sort of well, horrible, when your friend can wear whatever she wants, when you go to a store, try on the largest size, and have it barely fit. It's sort of, well, hard to accept. It's hard to see your friend have the ability to pick up any guy she wants, when I have to work hard to get who I want, and barely ever do.
These jealousy issues are hard to deal with.

but, regardless, I got my permit.
once again, after complaining about issues that don't matter, I can say, life is goddamn..
okay.
:)

I wish I could come back to my blog with thousands of new events, exciting and interesting, but to be honest, that just does not happen. my life is dull.
dull life, that is a SWEET song on the new Yeah Yeah Yeahs album.

lets recap, shall we?

in my absense, I saw Slumdog Millionaire (twice), and spent a day listening to indian music because of it. I went to the pet store downtown for the umpteenth time, and fell in love with the friendly white boxer that skulks about the shop. I lost many, many hours of sleep. I added another to my list of boys kissed, much to my dismay and regret, and now I feel like I'm stuck. I got addicted to that 3oh!3 song that everyone loves, and now I feel like a dirty trend whore, but it's too infectious and will not leave my head. I went shopping, and once again felt horrible, nothing make me feel worse. I still haven't seen him, even though he IS in the city, fuck fuck fuck fuck why am I not in his life anymore?

maybe my march break isn't going exactly like planned. I did not realize until I started writing that brief recap. that's what I get for having such high expectations.

at least I have the new yeah yeah yeahs album to distract me. it's so synthy and beat driven, and I find it completely different than anything they've ever done, though songs like Dull Life still hold everything about the older yyy spirit. my god, it's just way too good.

snow day today, and I took this school-less opportunity to gain some life experience. I went downtown and filed my taxes.

I'm a good little canadian citizen. and to be completely honest, I had no idea what to do. and I still kind of don't, nonetheless I survived the ordeal.
I was given this slip with my pay cheque last week, something called a "t4". a lot of money jargon that went completely over my head, but I wanted money so I bravely went downtown today to the friendly neighbourhood H&R Block. I was with my friend, and together we walked into the place, and stood awkwardly, not knowing what to do. The lady behind a counter asked if she could help us, and I bluntly said "we are completely new to this." regardless, she took our slips and asked us to sit down.
oh, and we sat. we waited an hour until someone called us into their tiny offices. although, kayla got called first and I had a great chat with all the waiting room patrons while she was absent.

I sat in the room, as the woman with the french accent got me to sign papers, and asked if I wanted cash back. Of course I wanted cash back, are you crazy? apparently, I wasn't eligible for it. This made no sense to me, because I was going to recieve a cheque in the mail. I didn't ask questions. Maybe next year. I was just offended because when she asked if I had children, I answered "none that I know of", and she didn't even laugh a little bit.
Sometimes I wonder why I try.

I still feel all grown up & stuffz.

this is most, normal teenagers with normal problems and normal social lives usually are.

this is where I am usually, most of the time. my normal, nothing special, nothing out of the ordinary, I like it here and am accustomed to it.













this is where I am right now. this is how I feel. sigh.

I'm making this post simply to say that I always depend on the approval of others. I feel horrible when I'm hated, and try to desperately to make everyone like me.

This has definately got to stop, or I'll never be truly happy.

Other than that, I have a cold that's hurting right down to the muscles and is making life slightly more difficult to navigate. This calls for a whole fuck tonne of oj.

Did anyone notice that note floating around facebook, the one where you say 25 secrets about yourself? Some are shocking, some are boring, some are interesting, some, well some no one cares about.
well, why I just do it here, right now? It will save the embarassment of confessing in a public manner like facebook (but, this is even more public, because the whole wide internet can read this, instead of my facebook acquaintances.. at least, I don't think they can).
anyway!

1. sometimes at work, when I see coffee grinds floating in people's drinks, I don't bother changing it. I especially do this if they give me a hard time. karma is a bitch, only slightly.

2. I have a set plan for how I want my life to turn out, and I am almost certain that it will not come true, no matter how hard I work.

3. I'm extremely, extremely jealous of everyone who gets better marks in me at school, to a degree where going to english and math class makes me feel incredibly self concious.

4. I find it very, very funny reading through these secret notes on facebook, because every girl that does them say how 'deeply' they care about the 'issues', but yet none of them do anything about it. yes, you know about darfur. either donate and volunteer, or stop bringing attention to yourself, making yourself seem like a humanitarian. sorry, that was just plain bitchy, but come on!

5. I don't think I could ever get a tattoo. something about how permanent it is, it's sort of scary. I'd have to look at it for the rest of my life. piercings I do love, and I'm definately planning on getting more someday.

6. I don't hate my job nearly as much as I let on. sometimes it's actually really awesome, and I really like the people I work with now that I know them more.

7. I don't care where I end up in life, whether I move to a different continent, or back to the miramichi. as long as I'm somewhat happy with what I'm doing, I'll be fine. I just want to leave the province for my schooling.

8. I get jealous really easily. real easy.

9. I can't think of any talents that I have. some people write, some people game, some people play sports. I do nothing, but it doesn't bother me as much as some people I know.

10. I find clothes shopping depressing, which is why I tend to avoid it, which is why I dress horribly. that's my excuse, and if you faithful blog readers were my size, you'd be depressed whilst clothes shopping too.

11. I'm uncomfortable in really social situations. also when I'm with one person. a small group is perfect for me, 3-5 people.

12. I'm not close to any member of my family. not my parents, not my brother, not my cousins/uncles/aunts, anyone at all. I barely talk to any of them. and I don't even care.

13. Karma gets me good, real good. I tend to talk smack about a lot of people, and you better believe karma gets me for that. Don't think I'm not aware when I'm trashing someone. I get what I deserve.

14. I don't cut my hair because, well I want to
a) see how long it will get
b) donate it all after graduation
c) make a big, dramatic change to my appearance, also after grad.

15. I don't like high school, and I can't see how I'll enjoy it next year, even though I'll be a senior.

16. Two friends of mine, I can honestly say, saved my life. okay, okay, they didn't save me from a burning building or catch me from falling off a cliff, but they saved my life in the "MUSIX SAVED MAH LYFE" kind of way. They made it a lot more bearable. I can't thank them enough.

17. I had the chance to be in a relationship, and I can honestly say, no. not for me. a 'ship is just something I don't want, anytime soon.

18. I feel blessed that I saw my favorite band live. how stupid does that sound? it's so true though, never in my life have I felt so, happy. also, Montreal was an amazing city, everyone was so nice, and it had the coolest feel, I can honestly say I fell in love with the place.

19. I didn't enjoy New York as much as I thought I would.

20. I like to know things. I am obsessed with pop culture, and it makes me feel awesome when I gets multiple references. I just love being aware. I get this trait from my Mom.

21. I love science, I do so much. Biology especially, and that's what I want to pursue when I go to university.. but, I've been considering dropping that altogether and getting a BA majoring in Political Science.

22. natural brunette, lol!!!!!!

23. I used to be a regular at a lot of message boards and forums, and now I don't post in any of them. Too busy I guess, I have a "life", but I miss the people so much. At least I have Nick.

24. I really do enjoy speaking in front of large groups. I don't know why, because I'm usually really quiet and I feel really self concious. I guess deep down, I'm a real big attention whore.

25. I think that the last 24 things you read just made me seem like a huge fucking toolbox.

I've been grinning and bearing it for a while now. Forcing yourself into a good mood doesn't feel healthy, but if it makes the people around me happy, then I guess it's worth it in the long run.

but really, I guess I'm fine!

I've just been trying to not think about the things that make me feel horrible. Things like not making a difference when I can, not doing what I want when I should, not talking to people that I have to, and just him, and how he refuses to even pretend to care now.

but really, I guess I'm fine!

Sorry for my scattered blog posts. I truly apologize, but for some reason I just can't think of anything to write about. This post even feels like a waste of my time (but I feel like I shouldn't abandon the blog that I wrote in so faithfully only weeks ago).

The reason I find blogging difficult lately.

My sleep cycle is so, so out of whack.

I got called into work on Saturday morning, when I was supposed to work Saturday night. That means that that morning I must've only gotten a few hours sleep; not enough I should say.
That afternoon when I came home, I took a nap, which ruined everything.
Now, since then, I keep falling asleep in the afternoon, waking up late in the night, the being unable to fall back asleep!

I just have to say, I friggin' hate it.
Yesterday, I told myself over and over and over, do. not. nap.
I went upstairs around 5 o'clock to be homework. The second I sit on my bed, exhaustion overwhelmed me, and I just had to sleep, or I felt as if I'd die.
I woke up at 11 o'clock at night, my homework not done. I scrambled to finish, thinking that I would soon fall asleep again, but alas I did not, and I spent all night watching old reruns of Seinfeld on TVTropolis until I felt tired enough to try to sleep again (which wasn't until late).

So now I am just cranky all the time. Sorry?

we have:
- whipped cream for cafe mochas and iced cappucinos
- chocolate & caramel sauce for iced cappucinos as well
- sprinkles for vanilla dip donuts
- berries for yogurt
- crushed nuts for banana nut muffins
and various other mixed goods lying about my place of employment.

today a coworker of mine brought in a huge tub of vanilla ice cream, and I made the most beautiful ice cream sundae that my poor young eyes have ever laid eyes on.
really, it was gorgeous.
I, in my entire life, have never tasted anything that good.
to describe the taste of this sunday, you would have to gut me and crawl into my soul, and oh my god I hope there's ice cream left when I go into work tomorrow night.
please and thank you.

I started crying walking home today.
The weird thing about this is that I was listening to Girl Talk the whole time.
weiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiird.

I am just so incredibly disappointed in myself.
a drastic change will be needed.

Just when I thought this obsession only pertained to when I was working, it turns out this obsession now haunts me in my own home, in my own kitchen.

I fucking love making and drinking Tea.

seriously! when I started working at Tim Hortons, I loved the smell of everything. The fresh baked cookies, the coffee, the soup, oh my god it was like nasal heaven. The thing I loved the smell of the most was the tea, especially our steeped tea. When it finished brewing, it was just a beautiful and intoxicating scent.
I didn't much care for hot drinks, though.
Eventually, I got used to the smell of everything, and when I walked into work it just smelled like home, and I didn't even notice the lingering smell of caffiene that stayed in my hair after an eight hour shift. The tea still smelled good, though. So I thought I'd try some.
It was beautiful.
Well, not really. At first I thought it tasted kind of bitter, but I liked it enough to try it again.

Now, I'm addicted. I drink it before I go to work. During my breaks. I take some home. I walk downtown and get some. Anytime I'm near a Tim Hortons, I buy a Large Tea Two Milk Two Sugar. I get cravings.

I just realized, we have a tea pot sitting on the stove. There are tea bags in our cupboard. So, this afternoon, depressed and wallowing in self pity, I somehow worked up the motivation to make myself a cup of my new favorite caffienated beverage. I'm still in a horrible, horrible mood, but at least now I can get through it with a cup of tea.

Also, doesn't drinking tea make me seem so sophisticated? you wish you were this mature.

I woke up this morning with the scariest sight. I looked in the mirror, and saw something so shocking, so disturbing, so, so.. space-y.

I have a GAP between my two front TEETH.

(!!!!)

I must say, when it comes to the care and upkeep of my mouth, I have to say I have the worst of luck. I inherited my horribly shaped chompers from my mom's side of the family, along with my bad eyes and childhood obesity, and because of her horrible genes, I have to and had to suffer through years and years of painful and stressful teeth related pains and hurts.
when I was in elementary school, I noticed that one of my front teeth was not growing in the spot that it was supposed, but at the very top of my lip (how is that even possible?) because my baby tooth was incredibly stubborn, and would not loosen up. I always had a horrible, horrible time trying to loosen and get rid of my first set of teeth, but for some reason they liked to stay in their place, and as a result in grade five I had to get 12, count 'em TWELVE teeth pulled.
apart from the senior citizens getting teeth pulled for dentures, it really seems like a record, doesn't it?
(also, because of this whole getting-a-bajillion-teeth-removed thing, I also have a slight [only slight] fear of oral needles, but that's a completely different story and I'd rather not veer off path)
the next year, apart a very depressing and tearful trip to the orthodontist (I was very traumatized over the fact that I could no longer eat gum or popcorn), I got my Jaw Expander.
this beautiful instrument, which was situated in the roof of my mouth from grade six all the way to a few months ago (I am now in grade 11), was torturous. how it worked was, well, we were given this key, which wasn't really much of a key, it was more like a thin wire with a plastic handle, and this key fit perfectly into a hole in the jaw expander. twice daily, someone would have to place the key inside the Jaw Expander, then turn it, causing the metal contraption to wider, thus forcing my jaw to grow wider as well (hence the name Jaw Expander).
not only did it feel like my bones were splitting apart around my nose, it also made me talk weirdly, and I swear to god everyone made fun of me for like, a week because I spit everywhere and stuff. it was so hard to eat.
my teeth were completely FUBAR, with one front tooth above the other, with huge gaps where teeth should be, and my bottom teeth just going any direction they could go (I wonder if anyone thought I was british?), and in grade seven I got my braces, and my front teeth got in place, and with a year or two everything straightened up.
but it was not done!
two botton teeth started growing two years ago, they couldn't come through, I didn't visit the orthodontist for two years, my braces started to break, etc. etc.
I am in grade 11, I am sixteen year old.
I have had braces since grade 7, since I was twelve years old.

My teeth are relatively straight, and things are looking up. Only one tooth is crooked, it seems like there isn't enough room for it, but one more tightening of the braces and it should be able to fit somehow.

but this morning, I woke up with a GAP between my TEETH, and I can't help but wonder if my dental nightmares will ever end.
(I also spent all day at work sticking stirsticks and butter knives and various thin objects through it, hehehehehe)

I no longer have a social life. I am either:
a) working
b) studying
c) watching old reruns of Married with Children

I love walking downtown. It's my number one thing to do, right now. The thing is, I just can't walk downtown without a purpose, there needs to be a reason for me to go outdoors and well, walk around. when I have something that needs to be done, I'm all over it.

This is where I realized something, again. always with these revelations, allison..

yes, in less than two years, I will be moving out of this town. maybe temporary, maybe permanently, time will tell, etc. but the point I'm making is that for time, I will not be living in this somewhat small town.
it doesn't faze me though, and yet it also doesn't excite me.
When I walk downtown, I say hi to everyone I pass. sometimes I ask how they're doing. small talk with strangers is something I kinda love, because I know there's a possibility I may never say hello to them ever again, which gives me sort of a confidence boost. weird, yeah, whatever, etc, moving on, I always say hi. they always say hi back. usually everyone is so friendly. today I had a great chat with a woman about math exams, and the pins on my knapsack. yesterday I had a lenghy conversation about work schedules, halifax and subway cookies. the point of me saying all this, is that if I were to move to a bigger city, which I fully plan on doing, whether it be slightly bigger than this town, or much larger, these encounters with strangers will become less frequent, and that saddens me. only to an extent, though, because I realized that this livin-in-a-small-town phase of my life is almost over, and it's time to move on to something else. my days here will soon become memories, and yes I will miss them a great deal. I miss other parts of my life, like the innocence of my youth, and times spent with great friends, but I don't long and ache for them to come back, because they happened, it was a chapter in the life of allison, and it's time to see what's next.

do you sort of catch my drift, here?
maybe that's why I love walking downtown, and saying hi to passerbys.
idk, lol.

I was just about to fall asleep, when I started getting worried. am I too particular?
this year at formal, I pulled my good friend aside and asked him how to break someone's heart, something I have yet to do, but I somehow feel that I did it without realizing, but alas, even though I asked him he said that he was quite possibly the worst candidate to answer this question, and he gave me the typical answers and I felt stuck, as usual.
he asked, "you're still not over him, are you."
I said, "not a fucking chance."
it's weird, this stuck feeling. guys have liked me, I have liked guys, but yet to be completely honest I could care less about them. it seems like this one person who occupys my mind at the moment just won't leave, and I can't consider anyone else. I problably would've dated this other guy, but I didn't feel comfortable going through with that when I'm thinking about someone else so often. I didn't feel like giving it a chance. I don't think I wanted to have thoughts of him leave. he doesn't feel the same way about me, but I just can't stop.

I have worse problems, so it's okay for the time being. the reason I'm writing this post is that I don't want to go through high school feeling like I wasted my time.

being in a room full of screaming, running, jumping, hyperactive middle school kids is really surreal. I, standing like a ferocious giant, filled with my years of experience and wisdom.. felt really awkward, and I'm not afraid to say it. I felt depressed. They're just all so innocent. they arn't scarred with heartbreak and they don't have to worry about gravimetric stoichiometry and elipse equations. I'd overhear their little conversations and they'd say the weirdest, most random things, and I'd remember a time where I didn't have to watch what I said. I remember when my dances consisted more of standing around with my click, and not very much moving to the music.
strangely, I miss it.

I find that in my writing, all I can talk about (and in my life, all I can think and dream about) is growing up and getting older, and I've always been in such a hurry to move away and take care of myself. now, I'm not so sure. I feel as if sometimes I'm too serious, and I could be a tad bit more immature, more spirited and a lot more "random". I realized that's there's only a year and a half left of my youth, and it didn't hit me until I was in a room filled with, well, actual kids ("tweens", if you must) They're old enough to not have to hold their mother's hand but young enough to be considered sweet and innocent. I used to be that young. That was the best time of my life. A time when I could be friends with all sorts of boys, without the awkward sexual tension. A time when you didn't have to worry about intense jealousy, backstabbing best friends, boyfriends, or lack there of.

It was also weird, watching these little kids (in an appropriate way, mind you!), I could instantly tell who they'd become once they'd hit high school. I could tell which one's would be the obnoxious jocks. The preppy girls. The slutty, preppy girls. Also, the ones that won't fit in at all, and would try really hard to. My heart ached for them, I knew what it was like. This really overweight girl with a really cute sweater, oh how I just wanted to hug her, and tell her that she'll have a growth spurt and it will all work out fine. (well, that's what happened with me, anyway).

Thank god I was exempt from the Biology exam. I'm not saying I did bad on it, but I know that I didn't do better than my class mark, which basically meant I spent two hours straining my brain for absolutely nothing. At least English went better than I thought it would. I was confident in everything I did, except for maybe two out of seventy multiple choice, and I'm pretty sure I bullshitted my way through one of the short answers.

My blogs have become more sporadically posted. I'm sorry faithful readers, but these exams are consuming me. Right now I ought to be studying for a three hour long challenging math exam tomorrow, which I must say is slightly stressing me to my limit. No matter how hard I try, I just cannot study. I just simply don't know how, it comes to a point where I either know it or I don't, and the only way I can get better is practice, not looking at a sheet. Alas, I will try my bestestest.

when it comes to guys, I haven't liked many in my life time.

In kindergarden I used to chase a boy around the playground and torment him to death and I always remembered he wore the stupidest sweaters and I secretly thought he was the cutest. I thought this all the way up until grade seven. for a few years we were inseperable, but we drifted apart and then eventually he shattered my heart when my friend brianna asked him out for me and he said no. middle school drama is the worst. after him I didn't really find anyone to like for about a year or two, mostly just going for the cuteness of boys instead of the awesomeness of boys. finding a deep personality within a group of immature pre pubescent boys is a rarity, and it wasn't until grade nine that I found someone that I was totally into.
By saying this, does it make me seem arrogant? saying that well, I am mature for my age? I'm not sure if I am now, but I always felt that I was. When a grade 12 boy, with the same tastes and beliefs as me started to talk to me frequently, I was delighted, and I was so all over dat. I quickly thought he was the most amazing person in the world, someone that I connected with. It wasn't long before I learned he was actually a shallow, immature prick that happened to have cool tastes, and when he shattered my heart I knew it was coming and I was able to get over it quickly. Too quickly, I found. I was prepared for it though, because he was in love with my best friend at the time, and she did nothing to stop this and well that's something I don't want to get into in this blog post.

this blog post is about heartbreak. right now, this one certain guy, this older guy with amazing taste and amazing talent and amazing personality. the cutest guy I've ever seen. well, okay he doesn't feel the same way towards me. and this is scary. really scary, because look at this pattern that I've created.
a) girl likes boy
b) boy doesn't like girl
c) girl gets sad
d) girl moves on
see what I mean? all boys that I focus my attention on and give me heart to always shatter it, and I just cry a bit then get over it. sometimes it took me a while, sometimes it took me a few days. the point is that I didn't like to keep lingering feelings. what's scary is this new pattern that came up with this amazing boy.
a) girl likes boy
b) boy doesn't like girl
c) girl gets sad
d) girl keeps thinking about boy, and keeps trying
this will just lead me to more heartbreak, but I honestly don't care. He doesn't talk to me nearly enough, but when he does it makes me happy for days.
Why am I so pathetic?
Does everyone eventually feel this way about someone?
Why does unrequited love exist?
I don't think I can choose the path my heart takes anymore, and that just really scares me.

My english project is going smoothly. Maybe a little too smoothly. I know exactly what to write, the only challenge is getting the motivation to put it down and avoid silly distractions like blog posts.

Today at work I felt happy and talked freely to my coworkers as if I wasn't as shy and self concious as I am. It took a year and three months, but I think I am finally comfortable in my work enviroment. I know exactly what to do and this gives me the confidence to just be myself and not stress over supervisors watched and coworkers judging.

I also can't stop listening to Sex on Fire. What's wrong with me?

heheh.
last night was slightly needed. and slightly depressing.
I had a many good laughs, I heard the greatest impression of a certain guy in all of my advanced classes, and the greatest re-enactment of 'every live Rush DVD ever', and I haven't laughed so hard in the longest time and then realized that made me feel like I've been missing out on something big for a while.
Again, every time I hang out with him all I can think of is a lot of wasted potential due to my procrastination and lack of motivation. It seems like I'm destined to a long life a trying too hard and failing even harder in comparison to him. It bothers me a lot more than I let on, and a lot more than it should.

It is 7 pm on Saturday night, and I still have not started my english project, and erlack I know I won't work on it tonight. 3 pages out of 10 is just not good enough. I also found out that I have to work the night of my three hour long math exam and when I realized this I started to hyperventilate and overthink of how I would study and if they'd let me get off work early and etc etc etc I just feel as if I don't have enough preperation for this big of a test. I just have to realize that I overdramatize everything, and I make it seem as if this exam determines the outcome of the rest of my life.
Just remember. The black guy from House was a childhood delinquent, then ended up getting one of the most prestigious partnerships in the medical industry.
He is also a fictional character.
God fucking damn it.

also; how come no one told me that gained so much weight? this is a completely valid and called for statement, considering I went from chubby and managable to being parallel with moby dick.

procrastination, hates it.

I have a 10 page story to write in english. It is due on monday, and one page is only written. This, seems to be no problem to most people. To me, it's a huge problem. All I know is, that on Sunday night, I am going to end up writing, typing, and finalizing every single little bit of it.
The one thing I don't understand is how I became such a procrastinator. I know the deadline, and I have lots of time to do it, but the motivation and ideas don't hit me until the pressure is on. Then it gets ten times more frustrating, because my time to actually do everything is very, very limited.

I can kick procrastination for most things, but for english, it's 10 times worse.
There is nothing I hate more in the world than english class.

Don't worry, Allison. There's only 537 more days.

Whenever I go to bed anymore, I always think that I'm going to die in my sleep.
I always try to go through all the events in my life that would make it seem like I lived a fufilled life before I doze off and never wake up.
It never really works.

I feel so bad.

reason a) my head hurts. I don't understand why it hurts so badly. I take pride in the fact that I hardly ever feel sick; I know many people who always either have a stuffy nose or an upset tummy. I usually feel okay, mostly I'm tired, but nothing worth complaining about. The past two days though, my god, my head pounds like a motherfucker, and no liquid advils can cure it. I've been watching lots of House so I keep thinking I have a tapeworm in my brain.

reason b) I feel as if I should go out with this one guy. He's into to me, for some unknown random reason that I just do not know about, he likes me, and I just don't feel the same way. but I still feel as if I should, because he's nice, he's cute, and to be completely honest I feel he deserves better than me. I problably would already be with him if I wasn't so anal about being in a relationship, because to me, the thought of being in a 'ship right now is so unappealing, for so many reasons.

reason c) I don't miss my mom as much as I should. I haven't seen her since October, and she's coming home on monday, and quite frankly I just don't.. well, care. she should've just taken a job here as home. she should treat my dad better. she shouldn't spend money the crazy way she does. She's causing more problems then helping, and she never used to be like this.

reason d) I feel like I should be better at giving advice. Friends tell me stuff, I don't say helpful stuff back. I can't do anything about it, I'm useless at that kind of thing.

I hate when I feel horrible. Obvious statement is obvious.