I have that end of term blues.
work is piling up, the thought of upcoming reviews and exams, too much worry, a decent amount of stress. Even though there is so, so much to do, I can't bring myself to try really hard. Homework is done half assed, essays done to the weakest of my ability, as long as I know it will get a decent mark, I'm satisfied (but am I really?). I don't know why I don't work to the best of my ability. I am capable of great things, and I know it. I'm not saying I'm a genius, I'm not saying that I'm brilliant, but I know I am capable of doing decently well. Am I just lazy? Am I just putting it off for later, saying that I will do good later on? Right now I feel too average, and I feel like I need something to really prove myself.

Moving on, I wrote this blog entry to tell the world (hah!) about a revelation I made. Today was expecially tiring, especially after the long weekend that was just experienced, and all the work did not help things. I was dozing off in the space between english and lunch, where we were learning, for what seemed like the millionth time in my academic career, mean, median and mode. I just could not handle it today, my mind drifted elsewhere. Usually I do daydream, but not to an extent where I just lose myself completely, but that is where I visited today. I went to the far reaches of my brain, and started thinking about my future, and more importantly, my purpose in life. Seems pretty deep, huh? Not really, I consider myself as deep as shower puddle. Well, I wouldn't consider this a purpose, but more of a motivation. A list of goals I would love to set. Lets get started, shall we?

1. I'd like to do something life altering and different immediately after I graduate.
Okay, this is so cliche. Who doesn't dream of changing theirselves completely after their sentence of grade school is over? Like, ev'rone, that's who. Well, what makes me so different? I can dream, right? I have drifted away in math class, thinking of things. I have fell asleep and seen images flicker on my eyelids, sounds and pictures et all. Maybe I'll be different than the masses, maybe I'll actually accomplish something immediate after I graduate. I wasn't thinking of moving away to a new continent to "find myself", that's a bit too extreme, I'm more kept to myself and not as spontaneous (but who knows! I sure don't). Most of the people who dream big after high school just plan on spending their summer months in continual drunken hazes and hangovers, then retire at the end of august to a nearby post secondary educational institution. I want more than that, but right now.. I just don't know what. I am one of approx. half of my high school's population that absolutely hates the experience I'm having, and wants nothing more than to move on with my life, but all this time keeps on getting in the way. I want to celebrate it somehow, but I'm stuck as to how to do it. I was thinking, a change of appearence? cutting off all my hair? a trip? volunteer work? The sky is the limit, and I'm excited for what is to come.

2. To have him fall in love with me. Now, this goal is only temporary. I have all the skills to make any boy fall in love with me (and so do you! even the homeliest of girls and the most unsocialable are capable, it's all on how you use your tools and read the instructions, is'all). I want him more than anything, but right now he obviously could now care less. Oh, the tragic tale of a poor teenage girl and her unrequited love, boohoo, we've all heard it before, amiright? but, I am determined to make him notice me for more than just the quiet girl that hung out with his buddy eric. I'm not saying that this will happen anytime soon. It may never happen at all, but you know what? I think it might. Right now, I will do anything in my power to make him realize what he lost. Maybe that's all I wanted, or want even. He will come to his senses.

3. I want to do something great with my life. Hah! another one that everyone dreams of. No one wants to stay in this town, with its failing industries and lack of CD store (isn't that just depressing?). Everyone believes that the world is their oyster, and when they leave, not even the devil himself can keep them here. To be honest, I don't care when I land when I "grow up". I can come back here, I can leave, I can move far, far away. I just want to do something great. Out of my parents' children, only one half will graduate. My brother right now is unemployed, and has no sense of responsibility, blah blah I love my brother and I don't want to trash talk him right at the moment, but it's true. He dropped out of school, and I'm obviously going to graduate. I want to go to school, make my poor parents proud, and end up with a decent job that I semi, kind of, sort of, love. That isn't too hard to ask, right? Everyone has the ability to acquire that. I may be lazy, but I've never been so lazy that it landed me in hot water. Nuh uh, never. I know I will amount to something, but what? Hm, that is to be decided at a later date.

Those goals arn't so hard to reach, right? I definately don't think so. Now, two things I would like to talk to before I retire to my piles of homework.
What is with boys these days? They're just all sorts of confusing, I'll tell you that much. This cute boy, which I believe I have mentioned in a previous entry (maybe?) asked me to formal. Apparently he "liked me" liked me. Which is, of course, awesome, because it's not often that a semi cute boy has interest in me. It's always my friends that have the luck in this department, much to my dismay and intense jealousy. but, you know what? This whole thing is just confusing me. Right now, after talking to him and spending a teensy bit of time with him, I just don't know what he thinks of me at all. How come boys just can't come out and say whether they like me or not? Well, it's problably karma because I'm not one to do the same (I'm such a hypocrite, you'll notice this. often.) Oh well. Because of this, I don't know where I stand on what I think of him. Right now, I just don't think I'm going to worry about it.

Also, what is with some friends? My best buddy in the world (or so I thought) just refuses to spend any time with me. Again, I'm just complaining, and I'm trying not to worry about it. There are far worse problems in the world, hunger and war, all that junk, but when you tell someone to call you, you should get at least an apology as to why they didn't. Sounds reasonable, right? To be honest, I just don't think he cares about me anyone. This is the guy who once said he wanted to go to university with me, and who said I was one of the best friends he's ever had. I just wish I knew what I did to change things, and this applys for a lot of things, actually. Really!

I think this entry is long enough.
Back to reality now.