its days like these that I hate. I feel both invisible and overexposed. all the wrong people are paying me too much attention and everyone that I crave attention from don't bother.
what's wrong with me? why should I crave any sort of attention? I should just be comfortable with the way things are, but I just want everything to change and I know if things changed, I'd just be wishing for the good ol' days. it's always like this, and I wish I'd just be satisfied. I never am.
this winter break, well maybe I'll see what I can do. give me some time to think things over, hah as if I haven't done that before. sometimes when I'm given too much time to think I get too absorbed in my thoughts and then I get over analytical and my perfectly decent mood is turned horrible and depressive. sometimes I just don't understand the innerworkings of a teenagers mind. why are we always so overdramatic?
I thought looking great would change things. I spent a month eating everything I should be and moving more often and thinking positive thoughts and I felt no different. I thought the attention of boys would change things, but if anything it just made things a whole lot more complicated. god knows I don't know which one of my friends to turn to, and I can't but feel I'm turning to all the wrong ones. but you know what? things could be worse.
it's weird though, this winter break is the strangest of them all. too many emotions running around, I barely noticed that christmas is less than a week away. with mom being away, my grandmother (whom I love so so so so much) is dying in the hospital, and I can barely visit her, and just all of this drama that I created for myself, I just don't even know. christmas feels like nothing to me this year, and I don't want that to happen because I love the warm, fuzzy beautiful feelings of giving and good tidings of cheer and all that crap. christmas is going to feel like another day, and that's just another sign of growing up.