march break r-r-r-recap.

and thus ends the longest, most depressing week of my life.
march break always ends like this.
I spent most of the week working, slaving away making coffee for slightly richer people preparing to leave for exotic locales like Florida and the Dominican. everyday was an uncomfortable amount of busy work, and I just grew tired within the first few hours of stepping onto the floor. lacking motivation.
I didn't really hang out, I didn't party, I didn't do any much needed cleaning or studying, I didn't have all that much fun.
but really, when do I ever?
for the most part, no one really contacted me. but should I be complaining, because I didn't go out of my way to contact others? I was just mostly upset about the fact that my supposed best guy friend did not say one word to me over the break, despite him seeming genuinely excited that we would be hanging out at least once. sometimes something small ruins everything else, what a horrible characteristic to hold.

I did spent three days in moncton. which was fun-ish.
when you go to an anime convention, you can only think thoughts that are strange. I couldn't help but think, how many people are having the best time of their life? how many of these kids get bullied regularly at school? will they amount to anything, or will they surpass us all? how many are virgins? have any of these guys been to an actual high school party, and do they really care? I love that they have their own way of living. By the end, I got really jealous, of how happy they were with only their own and their friends approval, not the approval of everyone around them. Do they act this eccentric all of the time, or only at this anime convention, where they are around people with similar interests? It's crazy, seeing all those people, so dedicated to one thing. The things they'd discuss went completely over my head, and I felt completely weirded out of feeling a pang of jealousy.

Before I left for the con, I did feel the lowest of the low. I had no reason to, I just felt tired. I was tired of working, tired of fighting with the same people, tired of him not loving me.
It's crazy, how one event can be so small and doesn't really matter to one person, like saying hi to an acquaintance as she works behind the counter, can make such a huge impact in someone's day, week, month, like seeing the person you have not stopped thinking about in well over a year, someone you have not seen in three months, someone who you would give a left kidney to impress. Too bad my face was completely red, and I was shaking, completely embarassing myself. one day...

Also, in Moncton, I felt a completely different kind of jealousy, one that left me with a horrible feeling of self loathing and hatred. Yes, I have gained a pound or two, something I don't really care about, until of course I am compared to someone else. It's sort of well, horrible, when your friend can wear whatever she wants, when you go to a store, try on the largest size, and have it barely fit. It's sort of, well, hard to accept. It's hard to see your friend have the ability to pick up any guy she wants, when I have to work hard to get who I want, and barely ever do.
These jealousy issues are hard to deal with.

but, regardless, I got my permit.
once again, after complaining about issues that don't matter, I can say, life is goddamn..
okay.
:)