I don't know what's up with me sometimes. I actually do think it is me, and not just the stupidity of boys.
last night was supposed to be fun, but I have to admit it was most likely the most uncomfortable night of my entire life. he's my friend and I think he's nice and cute and everything, but I just do not like him in the way he likes me. this is the part I don't like, because when it comes to talking about this to other people, I feel like I have to explain to myself. like I have to have a point by point explanation as to why I just don't feel the same way. but I don't. so I feel awkward as usual and I avoid. I don't like confronting things like that. sometimes running and hiding is all I can do and I know it's absolutely the worst thing you can do but I just don't like being the bad guy because I know how it feels more than anything.
when he came to my house and asked me the question I just stammered and ran back inside and not because I was totally shy or totally into him but because I knew what the real answer was and I just wanted to avoid saying it.
I still feel bad for dodging his kiss but that would just complicate things and ugh I just really didn't want to.

I still think that /he/ has something to do with it. lately everytime someone mentions him my stomach gets tied in a knot and I feel like crying but no tears come to my eyes but I feel sick but I don't feel like throwing up than I just start thinking about the things that happened over three hundred days ago and miss them but I am thankful that they once existed. he got me a christmas present and I don't know how this makes me feel. this means that he accepts me as a good friend, and that he was thinking of me, which makes me feel all warm inside, but I just.. you know I just don't know what I want. I blame me entirely for the way I feel, and I no longer blame the stupidity of boys. boys cause nothing but trouble, is that a fact or a state of mind?