the past few days have been an emotional whirlwind, and to be completely honest, I'm sorta kind of glad that the whole, gift and santa part of these holidays are over, because this whole holiday that I usually love with all my heart and wait all year for, well I don't know. It just all seemed fake this year, as if people were forced to give me presents, just as I felt forced to give other people gifts as well. Not to mention, this morning I slept in, feeling it would be a better idea to catch extra z's than go downstairs and open my presents. Am I just bitter, or am I just growing up? Is there much difference between the two? Regardless, I opened my presents, and was genuinely glad that I got new pyjamas, and all the cards I got from relatives were heartwarming and much appreciated, but afterward I just wanted to go back to bed.
This christmas is a little bit different then all the others, for obvious reasons. after dinner at my grandparents (my mom's parents), we always visited my dad's mother, my grandmother who passed away on monday. We couldn't go there, who was there to see? This is a previously unthought of change in routine, and it did nothing but leave me and my father in a weird state of depression. I, on the verge of tears, with a stomach completely turkey drunk, ready for a nap. I've felt weirder emotions, but this is definately up there. In the past few days, I have cried a many a rivers, and seen every member of my family sob or get teared up. I have hugged until my arms fell off, and filled a wastebasket with used tissues. Than I had christmas. weird transition, but I'm tougher than people assume so really I can deal, I can.

Today I am in a better mood than I was, really. I spent a lot of time thinking about good things rather than the bad, so that's always a good sign. My friends are nicer than I make them out to be, and I just want to spend more time with them. New year's is coming, lets see if I can make something out of it.